Panel: Is it harder to be single if you’re LGBT?

Pieter Tolsma, Tom Rockman Jr., Brianna Matthews, Jeff Swaim and George K. Gramer, Jr. weigh in on this week’s question.

Pieter Tolsma

As I have mentioned before, my parents are not terribly keen on me being gay or on gay people in general. They are content to believe the vilest of speculations about what being gay means and of the activities involved in the “gay lifestyle.” One of these is the idea that LGBT people are unable to find meaningful partnerships and forever drift from sexual partner to sexual partner. In their eyes, being single is the natural state of the “aberrant sexualities.”

Ignorant people aside, I believe there is a natural human inclination to seek a partner, though undoubtedly this looks different for different people. Perhaps it is my own desire to prove my parents wrong, but I feel a push towards finding a partner and feel I am happiest when I am paired off. That’s hardly LGBT-specific — I know a lot of straight women who express their desire for a partner, and I imagine straight male friends might feel the same though they might feel more reluctant to voice it.

From the outside there might be some expectation that to be LGBT means inevitable singlehood, whereas I believe couplehood is ever the expectation for heterosexuals. Within the community it might be different, and the external expectation undoubtedly alters the dynamic of expectations and social pressures; however it’s up to the individual whether they feel liberated or constrained by the lack of expectations.

Pieter Tolsma is program coordinator of Denver PIQUE, a sexual health and social support program for gay/bi men in Denver.

George K. Gramer, Jr.

There are many variables in this equation, but being a single gay person is certainly a major challenge in Denver or anywhere.

I guess the fact that I have not yet had a boyfriend makes me think that it is more difficult. Yet I am guessing that if you have a partner by your side, you do not have to worry. You do not have to think about anything in any environment into which you go. I suggest that premise is wrong.

Right now I am dating a delightful man — but, what happens in April, June, October? Last year, I was dating a delightful man, and he attended a fundraiser in Boulder, met his current partner, and abruptly ended our fourteen-month relationship.

The LGBT community is quite fickle. There is safety in having a committed partner, but many gay men do not want that — they want all the playground toys for themselves.

Single LGBT in Denver have only so many sources to meet new people. They are already in a diminished pool of dating opportunities. I guess that even when there might be interest — being single in Denver as an LGBT provides significant challenges, often insurmountable.

Iowa native George Gramer, Jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Brianna Matthews

I think it depends on the person — some people in the LGBT community are better at being single than they are being with someone. If you’re just a “dater” and you aren’t a committed relationship kind of person, then I don’t think it’s hard at all.

But I have noticed that those who desire to be in a relationship struggle with being single, longing for that companionship and compatible significant other, and I think it’s more difficult in the LGBT community because we are much more discerning on who we want as a committed partner.

I can say from a T perspective that it’s much more difficult being single. As trans persons, we struggle with our self identity and gender constantly, and I know from experience that we desire that contact with someone who will love us and want to be with us for who we are, and not for what we do or don’t have in our pants. It’s a constant source of consternation; finding that one person who sees the real person inside, and not “the trans person,” is the real dilemma.

So I think that being single and being trans is much more difficult than being single and LGB — but it is still hard to be single being LGBT. We all long for that connection to someone, and no one wants to be alone.

Brianna Matthews is a 40-something post-op trans woman, lesbian, and telecommunications professional working for a major telecom.

Jeff Swaim

In general, I don’t believe our sexuality should affect our personal relationship status and how we choose to be with it. In fact, the question implies being single is “hard” — when in fact, for many, being single comes with a wide range of positives including a stronger sense of independence, freedom, dating, etc.

That said, statistics can easily make the case that being single as a member of the GLBTQ community can be harder as evidenced by higher rates of suicide and substance abuse — both of which include loneliness, acceptance, and belonging as core factors.

Lastly, if you are single but have a strong desire to not be — I believe you are more likely to find an amazing relationship and partner when you first accept yourself and your single status and are detached from the “need” to be in
a relationship.

Jeff Swaim is an entrepreneur, sports lover, outdoor enthusiast, philosopher, and ex-Nebraska farm kid. He’s also a believer in unleashing the incredible talents and potential of people.