Panel: If someone identifies as straight but is secretly attracted to the same sex, do you still consider that person gay?

Brianna J. Matthews, Michael Carr, Karen Scarpella and George K. Gramer, Jr. weigh in on this week’s question.

Brianna J. Matthews

I don’t think that you can honestly put any sort of label on people for feeling the way they do. The lines are so blurred on gay, straight, or bi that a label does not really fit for those who have attractions to the same sex but don’t choose the identity. It’s possible have an attraction to the same sex without acting on it, if that’s your desire.

Same-sex attractions aren’t considered normal in society “outside the LGBT community,” but as time goes on, society has become much more tolerant in what it accepts. You can have that “man-” or “girl-crush” without being considered gay or lesbian. You may have that crush and may not feel the urge to act on it — so I think those attractions to the same sex don’t necessarily make you gay or bi.

Labels are starting to fade as sexual fluidity replaces them. Boy likes boy, likes girl, likes girl, likes boy, and so on and so forth. Why do we have to have a label for someone because they find the opposite sex attractive?

I think society in general feels more comfortable with labels, so it helps them sleep at night knowing what is what. But does it really matter? In my opinion, no.

Brianna J Matthews is a 43-year-old post-op Trans-lesbian ready to take on the world.

Michael Carr

Gay is gay. Closeted gays, secret gays, men who have sex with men, are all gay. What differs is the degree to which they are comfortable with the “gay” label.

However, if someone has a secret same-sex attraction, it’d be pretty hard to make any consideration concerning her or his sexual orientation other than what she or he lives in public. If someone identifies as straight, lives a publicly-straight lifestyle and only is secretly attracted to members of the same sex, I would consider her or him straight. Of course, after learning of their true attraction it would be impossible to label them anything but “gay.”

Michael Carr is on the board of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans, House District 8 Republican Captain, a former candidate for Colorado State Senate, President of Aspirant Marketing, and resides in Cheesman Park with his husband.

Karen Scarpella

In the trans* world, “gay” and “straight” gets complicated. Should “gay” be based on one’s assigned sex at birth, or one’s gender identity?

There is a new trend emerging with new terms that are less complicated for trans* and gender fluid individuals. The new terms “gynesexual” and “androsexual” are more inclusive and focus more on what we are attracted to rather than what our bodies look like. People are very focused on social labels, and often put themselves into categories that don’t quite fit.

If we must use labels for sexual orientation, it is better to be inclusive and allow people to focus on what they want, rather than what society has labeled them based on perceptions of one’s sex or gender. Although these new terms do not clearly specify the attraction to sex or gender, it is a good start and I am excited by the possibilities.

Karen Scarpella, PhD, LCSW, is a licensed social worker and the Executive Director at The Gender Identity Center of Colorado.

George K. Gramer, Jr.

The person described is probably bisexual. If this person is truly only attracted to the same sex, I would consider the person gay or lesbian. There are many variables (I think Kinsey’s scale indicates that there are many stepping stones between 100 percent straight and 100 percent homosexual).

We are all complex human beings. For the first 51 years of my life, I identified as straight. I have had sex with women (in the last century), but for whatever reason never enjoyed it. Sometimes people change their views of who and what they are as they discover other parts of their total being. Once I was free from professional encumbrances, I was finally able to explore and discover my sexuality.

Today, if someone asks my sexual preference, I unequivocally answer gay (except when it’s my mother). If someone had asked that question 15 to 40 years ago, I would’ve said straight. My career, and in some ways my religion, cornered me into a same-sex–celibate situation. That’s not a bad thing. However, I am much happier today as an openly gay man.

The hypothetical subject of this question needs to do some self-examination. I hope that there won’t be children and a failed marriage before the final realization.

Iowa native George K. Gramer, Jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.