Panel: How did your expectations about being [your age] in the LGBT community differ from what you found?

Pieter Tolsma, Keo Frazier and George K. Gramer, Jr. weigh in on this week’s question.

Pieter Tolsma

Perhaps it is naïve of me but I never developed expectations of how the community would be
when I was 29. As a child growing up in a conservative household, the only hope I had for the gay community at any age was that it would be open to my gay identity and provide the potential for companionship which I feel has happened especially with the marriage equality movement.

As for expectations for myself in the community I have had mixed success. I was raised to find a spouse and have kids by the time I was 25 and coming out did not really change much about that expectation for myself other than the expected gender of my partner. Being single and kid-free four years after the deadline has expired is not necessarily marked as a failure in my book, and I feel the community is supportive of this goal, which I appreciate.

I feel like I have had some successes as well and those relate to my work with LGBT youth. Honestly, I never planned on working in the community in the way I do now. It has changed my perspective tremendously and shaken up my life expectations in such a way that I no longer see my future as a slightly modified American dream but rather as something unscripted and without expectations beyond finding fulfillment and companionship.

Pieter Tolsma is program coordinator of Denver PIQUE, a sexual health and social support program for gay/bi men in Denver.

George K. Gramer, Jr.

When I came out in 2003 in Montgomery County, Maryland (suburban Washington, DC), I had no issues with my age (51 at the time), nor did anyone else there. I involved myself in a variety of organizations (only some LGBT), and because of the more accepting and understanding DC Metro LGBT community, I found no age issues whatsoever. Not one.

Fast forward to 2014 Denver – and add ten years to my age. I thought Denver would be an open and accepting place for LGBT people of all ages. I do not find that to be the case; ageism is rampant in the LGBT community here. Denver has some of the most picky, snotty, bigoted, egotistic, self-centered ageist gays I have ever met anywhere. This is not at all what I hoped would be the case in the Mile High City.

Yes, I have my personal preferences – I know what I want, and age has little to anything to do with my dating. I never believed that a discriminated-against minority could be so highly discriminating among themselves. Alas, I guess that Denver is populated with an ageist LGBT crowd with whom I do not always see eye-to-eye.

Iowa native George Gramer, Jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Keo Frazier

When I first came out I was thrilled, elated and
relieved. I was finally happy with myself and was open and ready to be myself. I thought the biggest hurdle was over, however, I learned quickly that I had many hurdles to overcome, still.

I expected acceptance, love and friendship. Instead I was faced with the antithesis — opposition, disbelieve, dislike and petulance. Broken hearted I retreated into another self, trying my best to find my place in my newfound “community”.

I learned quickly that what I had in my previous friendships was already community and I didn’t have to search and find my place in a new community to feel love, acceptance and friendship. When I retreated back to my old friends I also learned that my new openness made my friendships closer and more rewarding.

Today, I’ve found friends in many communities who I accept and love, and who accept and love me. I never had to go to any specific place to find that but to be open to it from anyone and everyone who was like-minded. Age never had anything to do with my feelings of acceptance but maturity did.

Keo Frazier is a local entrepreneurial and business leader, and the fearless founder of KEOS Marketing Group.