Oy vey, the puppets are gay?

Puppets.

I love them.

I am not sure why. Perhaps it’s because they are stuffed animals that come to life. Stuffed animals just lay there, boring as can be. But a puppet will make you laugh, make you cry, make you protest in Israel for the puppets to come out of the closet already.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

If I had not become a drag queen, I’d probably be a puppeteer. As a little kid, I built my very own puppet theater out of scraps of plywood and lumber I “salvaged” from the nearby subdivision houses under construction. And, of course, by salvage I mean stole. But the ends justified the means — I was making art.

I hauled that painted stage to the little girl’s house next door. Her birthday was the occasion and her parents actually hired me to put on a puppet show for the party, my first paid theater gig. When my dad found out that I was playing with puppets to entertain little girls, that stage went right into the trash. I might as well have been playing with dolls, which I kind of was. So ended my career as a puppet master. But I had a taste of the stage, which got me to where I am today.

I’ve always been a huge fan of Sesame Street. I only watch it for the Muppets, screw the education. I could not get enough of Big Bird, Kermit and the Cookie Monster. When Kermit sang “It Ain’t Easy Being Green” in the first Muppet movie, I cried. Deep down I could relate to the life of a puppet. Puppets live on the fringe. They get picked on and bullied. They are second-class citizens to the flesh and blood protagonists. Puppets are flamboyant, wild and crazy. They don’t obey the rules and are the misfits of the stuffed animal world.

Recently, Israeli gay activists have been up in arms over a pair of puppets created by the Israel Electric Company to promote electrical safety. Shek and Teka are a pair of male Hebrew speaking puppets who live in the same house, and even share a bedroom. Their names translate into “Plug” and “Socket,” so it’s no surprise that rumors have abounded for years that they are gay. They are the Bert and Ernie of the Holy Land. The latest commercial has the pair fawning over a new baby in the house. Teka congratulates Sheka on the birth of his new child. But there is no mom in sight. Later they are seen with the baby, sitting on a park bench together. Could this be the start of a puppet gayby family? Check it out online and you can decide: ofcnow.co/puppets.

The Hebrew gay activists want the puppets to come out of the closet and disclose their sexuality. I don’t know why they are getting their Jewish undergarments in a challah twist. I can definitely answer the question about the puppets’ sexual orientations: yes, they are gay. All puppets are gay. Bert and Ernie are gay, though Bert is in denial. Kermit has been running from Miss Piggy all these years because he is gay…and she is a big aggressive porcine bull dyke. Mr. Snuffleupagus is gay. Big Bird is gay. The Dancing Bear from Captain Kangaroo is gay, even Mr. Moose. And how gay is Tickle Me Elmo? I can’t think of a single puppet who isn’t gay.

So the next time you see a puppet on the street, run up and give them a hug. They are kindred spirits. They deserve our respect and our support. It’s time to put the P into GLBPT.