Online socializing with intent to meet

Dear Brent,

I used to love online socializing, but I’m concerned now that it has become the new norm in the gay scene.

I worry that we are all so disconnected and have lost the ability to connect on any organic level. I also worry for bars, clubs, and other gay establishments because people aren’t going out as much. Is human contact going to be reduced to one hour of chatting online, 15 minutes of sex, and then back to solitude? 

That is such a relevant topic. Many of us remember times where we went out to determine if someone had an athletic build, was a great conversationalist, or kissed like Casanova. I’m a proponent of getting away from technology and enjoying the company of real people face-to-face. You’re not the only one concerned about the amount of time people spend online hoping to make an interpersonal or sexual connection.

Most of us are painfully aware that the time spent chatting online is generally not met with the same return on investment as we put in to it. Unfortunately, there are people who boldly lie and others who feel that acting like a jackass is a good option since they are miserable people that want to inflict their crappy attitude on others.

We have to be careful about putting faith in email exchanges as a realistic expression of people’s attractions and intentions. In so many cases, it is easy to have some sexy talk over the internet.  Entire relationships and sexual scripts can be planned out before meeting in person. Many times when people do meet after an extended time of online romance, it goes poorly since fantasy can sometimes be much better than reality. More times than not, these online passions should remain online or on the phone. Not only can people put out an inauthentic persona, but there are just some attractions that can only be gauged in person.

There are so many positive life lessons can be gained by being social with others. We can learn to confront our insecurities, challenge shyness, develop strong support networks, and discover commonalities between ourselves and others. Additionally we can also learn to deal with rejection, failure, and confidence-building while getting offline. Although there are aspects of security from behind our technology, we can benefit by trying to improve on these skills and challenge ourselves to be more successful and confident.

Although it seems like there are many social-skill-deficient people out there, I’m also concerned that there are so many potential relationships with others that are missed because we are online.  Many times, messages are misinterpreted, ignored, or get lost in the shuffle. Being online seems to come with its own set of acceptable rules and common behaviors that are ineffective in person. On the flipside, there are social skills that are best developed and practiced within physical proximity of others.

All of this being said, when you make an amazing linkage due to a technology-facilitated method, some of the frustration and wasted times seems like less of a bummer. Don’t spend precious energy on those negative people and situations. There are many more you could potentially enjoy.

As much as our culture may be moving towards cyber connection, it is up to us to break out of those patterns. We don’t have to be slaves to technology. If you’re going to utilize it for initial contact with people, then get off you technology-engrossed ass and go do something with someone. It can be more fulfilling than making sweet, sweet love to our computer monitor.