One size-queen does not fit all

As gay men we are obsessed with size. We like big homes, big cars, big bank accounts, and yes, big wieners. I am not sure about this but I am going out on a limb to say lesbians probably are obsessed with big boobs and … big trucks, too.

But there’s a point when big becomes too big. Buy a mansion and you have to clean all 40 rooms, or hire someone who will. Buy too big of a car and you’ll never get that garage door shut. Have too much money … well, that’s never really a problem. But when you unzip a fly and staring at you, with its one good eye, is a monster of a man meat, the first thing out of your mouth, besides “Mfthmmrfth,” is “that’s not going anywhere the sun don’t shine.”

Oh, I know there are some power bottoms out there who would disagree. They would throttle the joystick of a blue whale if they could hold their breath under water long enough. More power to them. As a big top, I do appreciate those who have that gift. (Oh, by the way, most drag queens are tops, in case inquiring minds want to know. I guess we’re just a take-charge kind of girls.)

Everyone talks about the size of the penis. There’s a lot less talk about the person at the receiving end’s — ahem — assets. Pun intended. Why is that? Some people are born with large penises and some people are born with small ones, some people are gifted as talented tops and some people are not. The same differences hold true for the other side of the coin.

God skipped over me when he was assigning those gifts — ain’t nothing going in there, no matter how much you insist.

Oh, people have tried and pried and pleaded. There have even been a few times when I was willing to saddle up the white pony, but, ouch, it just isn’t gonna work out.

People say you can — ahem — stretch out your comfort zone (pun intended) to experience more in life. But really, who has time for that? I have more important things to do than to accessorize with some anal beads. Oh sure, it sounds like jewelry, but really not so much.

Besides, I am happy as a stallion to be in a room full of nelly bottoms. I like being a top and there always seems to be a shortage of them in any gay gathering. I am happy to fill in that gap…pun intended.

So the next time you find yourself in a room full of nakedness, remember that we all come in many different shapes and sizes. One size does not fit all. But it sure is fun trying.