OFM May 2021: From the Editor

True, Nervous, Very Dreadfully Nervous …

In 6th grade, I discovered a lot of things for the first time: metal and punk music, science fiction and horror literature, raging hormones and a sense of rebellion. One of the things that stuck with me was the horror fiction, and my love for Edgar Allen Poe and his Southern gothic sensibilities. 

The first Poe story I ever read was The Tell-Tale Heart. For those not familiar, it’s the relatable tale of when you’re a caretaker driven mad by your employer’s wandering eye, and you have to bury him under your floorboards. I loved the creepy, gross absurdity and the flowery language. 

But what has really always stuck with me is that very first, opening line: “True, nervous, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am, but why will you say that I am mad?” As an incredibly anxious and depressed preteen, that hit home. What defined different levels of mental illness, and while the story was fun, what was to separate my “very dreadfully nervous” demeanor from “madness?”

Thus began an incredibly difficult mental health journey, from extreme highs and lows of anxiety and depression, self-medication, coming out, weight fluctuation, trauma, and of course, plenty of horror. This journey is just now culminating in psychiatry, medication, therapy, and confronting some of my demons head-on. 

Still, to this day, I am “very dreadfully nervous,” dealing with the peaks and valleys that are depression and anxiety. And I turn to art and self-reflection, reading, writing, telling stories, as a way to throw myself head-on into the madness and come out stronger on the other side. 

Throughout our issue, and Envision:You’s special mental health insert, that is a prevailing theme. Life is hard, scary, and unfair, and many, many of us queers are just as “nervous” as Poe. But art, creation, and self-reflection turns that pain into a story, pulling us through and connecting our narrative to millions of others going through the same thing. And thus remains the importance of telling stories and of encouraging mental health journeys. 

So, whether your mental health journey looks like sobriety and therapy, or art and introspection, may you find the peace that quiets the nervous mind, at least temporarily.

-Addison Herron-Wheeler