No strings attached: gifts shouldn’t come with expectations

Whenever the same conversation keeps coming up with different people in my life, my “spidey-sense” starts tingling — and I figure lots of other people are talking about it too. I thought I’d bring this latest issue to you.

When you offer to help someone in any way and don’t state upfront that you are expecting something in return, then this offer is a gift. Is it fair for the giver to hold a gift against someone down the road — when the recipient doesn’t offer what the giver thinks she or he should offer in exchange? People have differing opinions on this subject based on what side of this equation they fall on, the giver or the recipient.

This is how my abundance coach, Paula Langguth Ryan, helped me understand it; when you offer help, there are no strings, unless stated upfront. It’s perfectly acceptable to make a deal with someone: I’ll help you with this, if you do this — giving the recipient the opportunity to accept or decline your offer based on whether they can accept your terms. This is also not a gift, but an arrangement. But if you make an offer, without any stated requirement for repayment/restitution, they don’t owe you anything. Yes, a thank you would be nice, but even that isn’t a requirement — just polite. In reality, you aren’t owed anything for a gift.

So ask yourself why you’re offering a gift. Are you wondering what’s in it for you? Are you giving because you want people to admire you for the giving? If so, chances are you’ll be disappointed. You won’t get the credit you believe you deserve, because no one will ever admire you as much as you do.

Here’s my take. When I offer a gift to someone, I am doing it because they need it. I can see their need and my ability to help. Yes, I appreciate a thank you. However, it isn’t actually necessary. I receive exactly what I need in the giving. I don’t need credit. It’s not actually about me. I am my karma in action. I relish the opportunity to pay back to the Universe all the blessings that I have received in the past, by being a blessing to someone else’s life, period. You don’t owe me anything. I have, admittedly, not always been this altruistic.

One of the things I really admire about my wusband is her willingness to help anyone in need. She sees it as her responsibility to be a blessing to other people when she can. She walks her talk and lives her faith. She very rarely gets credit for all that she does for people and she never does it to receive anything in return.

This is most definitely not everyone’s understanding. People have lamented to me about how someone they thought was being kind suddenly told them that they needed to be repaid for their kindness. Others have lamented to me that the kindness shown to someone wasn’t given the proper amount of gratitude or reciprocated by the recipient. Maybe this miscommunication could be helped by understanding the meaning of a gift.

A gift is defined as “a thing given willingly to someone without payment.” The synonyms for gift are — present, donation, offering, endowment, gratuity. I think you get my point.

I’ve come to realize this is all relative and equality is total BS anyway. If I give you $5 when you really need it and you give me $5 when I really need it, this is still probably not truly equal. We may have differing levels of our understanding of our needs. Maybe you gave me $5 when I really needed $10.

My advice is to give just for the giving. Open your heart, know that you will receive what you need, give what you can when you are able and it will all balance out in the end. ′