My Queer Awakening Was Also A Spiritual One

It was 2004. I was 11 years old, in 6th grade at a Catholic school in metro Detroit. The scent of ash clung to the sleeves of our uniform sweaters as we lined up, one by one, to shuffle into the chapel. We were told to write our sins on slips of paper, fold them tight, and place them into a black metal pot to be burned—as if smoke alone could absolve us. I remember staring at the flame, wondering if it would burn away the secret I had already learned to carry: I liked boys.

Now as a professional astrologer and tarot educator, trained Ayahuasca shaman, and openly gay man, I remember the early days of Catholic school and realize just how much I was a fish out of water. That same day in the chapel, the priests handed out pamphlets outlining major sins that we as young people might be vulnerable to. On top of the taboo pressures of being gay in a midwestern Catholic world, those pamphlets informed me that my queerness was a mortal sin, severing my connection to God; I would be condemned to hell. To make matters worse, astrology and tarot cards were also on the list. It seems everything that was the cornerstone of my identity was to be eliminated for the sake of my purity and salvation.

Looking back on this moment in time reminds me that my sexual awakening began the same time as my spiritual one. As I typed up school papers on the computer in my room, I began discovering the magic of astrology for the first time. After a few innocent Google searches, I unexpectedly found myself face-to-face with images from the gay men’s magazine Colt. I had never seen anything like the big, muscular, hairy men the internet conjured, and I was mesmerized.

But what began as pleasure would quickly incur the heavy price of shame. I remember thinking to myself that I could never tell anyone that I was gay. I swore to myself that I would take the truth about my sexuality to the grave. And so began the theme that whenever I truly loved something, I had to pay the price of shame in order to have it. My identity as a gay man, my love for astrology, and my curiosity to explore other spiritual topics such as the tarot, psychic ability, mediumship, and witchcraft, were all off limits.

So, what’s spiritual about being queer? As a gay man and a member of the queer community—everything is. When you live in a world, culture, and religion that tells you that everything you are is wrong, punishable, or condemnable, you have to question things. Otherwise you’re doomed to a life of lies or complete self-destruction. Growing up as a queer kid requires that you learn to listen to your inner voice, search for an internal compass, and develop a central pillar of integrity.

In my junior year of high school, I attended a religious student weekend retreat in which we had the opportunity to confess our sins to a priest. At 17 years old, I entered the room with a pit in my stomach, ready to confess the lifelong secret I had only shared with a few trusted friends. Not even my family knew the gravity of my daily struggle of fearing that I would burn in hell for being gay.

With as much courage as I could muster and tears streaming down my face, I told the priest, “I’m gay.”

“That all, Santos?” he replied. “God loves you.” This was an incredibly radical belief for the Catholic church back in 2010. He proceeded to ask me that if I found attraction to a woman later in life, would I follow it? I replied yes. He told me that if I lived with integrity and did my best to walk in Christ’s teachings, God would see me—truly see me—and know my heart. In that moment, my tears of sorrow became tears of joy.

I’m very aware that this is not the case for most people entering religious spaces. I left that retreat having a renewed sense of faith, but I was saddened by other queer people in the world who may not have had the same luxury of experiencing a priest as progressive or understanding as mine was.

This very incident is the fuel behind why I started Santos & The Crystal Visions. This organization is my spiritual mission to create an inclusive, progressive, and modern approach to spirituality that is diverse and trauma-informed. Most importantly, it targets outcasts and members of society who don’t feel as though they are accepted by mainstream religion. Santos & The Crystal Visions is an organization that is spiritual without being religious, focused on a compassionate approach that puts the humanity of the person above doctrine or dogma. Anyone who may be interested in learning more, I’d recommend starting with an astrological birth chart reading as it is the cornerstone of all the work that I do.

It’s my own queerness that has led me to the desire and necessity to look inward. The archetype of the wounded healer is inherent to the queer community. When the queer community—my community—faces the challenges of being queer in a straight world, it elevates the capability to develop resilience, compassion, and the desire to challenge the status quo.

Through my own challenges, shame, and desire to transform myself in order to live a fully authentic life, I’ve dove deep into my spiritual education. After fasting for 44 days while living in the Amazon jungle with the Shipibo Tribe in Peru, becoming a certified breathwork instructor, trauma-informed Reiki master, and learning the importance of inclusivity, my journey as a gay man in a straight world has been the catalyst for all of it. My queerness has helped me develop resilience and strength. Being queer isn’t just part of who I am—It’s the cornerstone of my soul’s purpose on this planet and the very thing that has brought me closer to my faith.

Photo courtesy of Santos & The Crystal Visions