Matthew Morrison’s new album, a flop

Self-titled album

Matthew Morrison

2011 The Island Def Jam Music Group

Grade: D+ (This album would have failed, but some of the songs contain incidental pop value.)

“It’s catchy, but there’s no substance … ”

“It’s catchy, but it’s extremely generic … ”

“It’s catchy, but there’s nothing real about it whatsoever … Listen! Is that Morrison’s “Summer Rain” on the radio right now?”

Notice the trend amongst these legitimate ear-witnesses.

Mathew Morrison is the classic case of a bankrolled musician. He is a leading star on the hit television series, Glee (Hurray Glee). He has a massive fan following. He can sing well (extremely well). But if you listen to Morrison’s debut album, you will know nothing more about him than you already knew. Just listen to Morrison’s chorus in “Still Got Tonight:”

“The stars collide / We come back to life / We come back to life / The sparks will fly / One look in your eyes / My heart’s open wide …”

Herpes is certainly catchy, but that does not make it good. Someone who transmits herpes could be attractive, and might have a charming, seductive voice – but all you get at the end of the night is an itchy crotch. In Morrison’s case, you would receive a Radio Transmitted Disease. In any case, the analogy makes the point: whether it’s an STD, or an ‘RTD,’ each of them itch somewhere, and they both straight-up suck when you undress it to the skin.

If that info is not enough to sway you, listen to this top-secret recording of Morrison’s label deciding to produce his album. Many valuable lives were lost obtaining this recording.

Fat man in a suit: “Sure Morrison has a voice like ice-cream sex, but the guy can’t write a song worth a shit kabob.”

Even fatter man in a suit: “He doesn’t have to. We’ll simply pay a few famous musicians to record their old songs with him. Then we’ll get some no-name artists to help Morrison co-write a couple of catchy bullshit tunes, and we’ll release them as his own. The public will have no idea. They’ll eat it up.”

Fat man in a suit: “Brilliant. (Sounds of two fat men cackling maniacally – imagine two shaking bowls of jelly.)

Even fatter man in a suit: “Huh, what the hell’s that recording device doing in here?”

(Sound of recorder being smashed.)

Morrison likes to make money. Sure, we all do. But music is about artistic expression, and expression should never be undermined (or bank-bulldozed) by money.