Masc and Femme: The Toxicity in Queer Dating
There are many different ways I could go about this topic, the toxic elements of dating as an LGBTQ person: I could do a poll of the community, or I could even ask my friends about what they experienced. With both of those methods, I’d have to analyze the info, resulting in a multiple-page feature. I feel the best idea is to keep it simple and talk about the experiences I’ve come across over the years.
Like most, dating hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve encountered different types of guys, all of whom have caused me to question dating at all. Over the years, I’ve met guys on websites like Gay.com or Yahoo Chat. People can still go online to meet someone; it’s just easier now with apps on our phones instead of dial-up. The one thing I noticed that hasn’t changed is the toxic attitude we often bring to each encounter.
We all love the feeling of being desired, and sometimes that can blind us to some major red flags. Things we’d normally warn others about, we somehow miss. I ignored warnings from others about a guy I liked who drank too much and was mentally abusive. I kept telling myself, “Maybe it was something I did,” or I’d make excuses for them. I’d say, “He didn’t really mean it,” and I’d even feel the need to point out the nice things he did to prove they were a good person. I was able to finally notice that I needed to get out of that relationship (and not everyone has that chance).
When it comes to dating apps today, we like to say, “Oh, they’re just silly apps,” but these “silly apps” body shame like crazy and can sometimes make us feel like we’re not good enough, simply because the person doesn’t respond. This can fuel our anxiety, self-doubt, and even depression. I hate when I message someone I feel is hot, and they check out my profile and don’t reply. I end up feeling maybe they didn’t reply because I’m not as attractive as they are, or they’re simply out of my league.
The reality is, even if we find someone attractive, and they’re not into us, that doesn’t mean we’re unattractive. That just means we’re not their type. It’s a waste of our time to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with us.
When it comes to “having a type,” some people confuse the idea with being cruel or just plain mean. I met a guy one time in person I’ve seen on the apps and thought, “He’s cuter in person and fun to talk to.” As he and I talked more, I decided to get up the nerve to suggest we grab a drink or dinner some night. His reply definitely was something I didn’t see coming. He told me if I were to lose weight and shave my beard, then he’d find me attractive. My jaw dropped, and I said, “Excuse me?”
He looked surprised and asked, “What? We all have a type.”
Yeah, we all have types, but not at the expense of someone’s feelings.
I have seen a slight improvement from people saying what they are into instead of what they’re not. Even though this is a small change, it’s a start. It’s hard for those in the community who don’t fit the expected image of other community members. There are still guys who feel the need to say “masc for masc” in their bio; in 2022, that takes on a whole new meaning than what they probably intended.
When you’re on your back with your legs in the air, you’re no more masculine than someone doing it in heels.
I met a guy once whom I thought was sweet and romantic, who made me laugh. The more we got to know each other, the more worried I got about bringing up the fact I’m a drag queen entertainer.
One day, I decided I needed to tell him and brought drag up in general in hopes of testing the waters. He ended up asking me why I brought up drag and then asked if I did drag or something. I answered yes, and after a long pause, I asked if something was wrong. He told me he can’t be with someone who did drag. He said he wants to be with someone who’s a man and not someone who dresses up as a woman.
Considering how much drag is in queer history, it’s a bit shocking there are people out there who look down on drag perfomers because it might mean they’re “less of a guy.”
Dating can be really scary sometimes. When we have feelings for someone, we often give them way more power than they deserve over our feelings. During a date, you wonder what things you should say, or if you’ve said too much, or maybe not enough.
No matter what you experience in dating, just know you should always be true to yourself and never compromise who or what you are for someone else. Just because you happen to not meet someone’s standards doesn’t mean their standards are any better than yours. It just means it wasn’t meant to be. That, or it just means they’re a horrible person.
Regardless, never give up on dating if you’re looking for love (or lust) because you end up taking away the chance for someone to see just how wonderful you are.
Photo courtesy of Canva
