Masc 4 Mask

If you’ve ever used apps like Scruff, Grindr, or GROWLr, or even dating sites like OkCupid, you’ve likely run across more than a few profiles where the guy mentions something about masculinity. In fact, his masculinity may be one of the very first things he mentions, almost as if to save viewers the time/trouble of having to quick-scan his profile to determine his masculine quota. With ever-shortening attention spans and more options than ever for finding your next hookup or boyfriend, it makes sense to lead with the goods rather than bury them in useless information like your passions, occupation, favorite music, and your name. When was this seed first planted? When did it become so essential for gay men to wear their masculinity (both manufactured and authentic) on their hairy, tattooed, pumped-up arms?

From the Withered Root to the Rippling Fruit

Gay history tells us that it was the AIDS epidemic of the 80s that reduced many gay men to wasted and frail shells of their former selves. To combat this image of weakness in an otherwise proud and in-your-face community, gay men started to focus more on their physical fitness. Surely that handsome bloke in the bar can’t have HIV or AIDS if his every muscle has been pumped to perfection. Like many trends, this one shifted from its roots as it became deeply embedded in the soil of the gay community. Nowadays, it’s not enough that you have chiseled abs if you hope to attract another guy’s attention; you also need to play/watch sports, grow a beard, not mind getting dirty (outside of the bedroom, that is), and engage in other traditionally masculine activities and aesthetics. You essentially need to embody the definition of a “bro.”

Bear in mind that I’m not saying every gay guy desires a perfectly balanced version of the Brawny Man spliced with a frat boy. But I am saying that toxic masculinity has infected the gay community, and there doesn’t seem to be an effective vaccine.

No Gym, All Femme

Gay men who are more feminine — and those like myself who aren’t overtly butch — may feel the need to change themselves into roid ragers in order to stand a chance of catching a guy’s eye. While we know putting on a mask and enhancing the more desirable facets of our personality while stifling others can lead to an identity crisis, it seems as if doing so is the only way to get a guy to swipe right.

It’d be hypocritical for me to say that I don’t care how masculine or feminine a guy is. I will say I prefer guys who are authentic and don’t seem to go out of their way to be too this or too that. In fact, I once dated a guy who was definitely more feminine, but he treated me better than most of the more masculine guys I dated.

Rather than say guys who are more in touch with their feminine side have a greater capacity for caring compared to more butch gay men, I’ll instead say that guys who aren’t caught up in presenting themselves a certain way are able to truly be at ease, be at peace with themselves. When you aren’t worried about how masculine or feminine you look/sound to other people, you’re able to devote more of your mental energy to connecting with other people on a deeper level. That level and that connection are underneath the gym memberships, beard oil, jocks, and flat-brimmed baseball caps. That level is not masculine or feminine, but both and neither.