Love without logic

Dating is a different experience for every individual. Ironically, almost all of us approach it in the same way. We have preconceived notions of what our mates should look like, enjoy and behave. This method of romance rears its head as a logical approach. But what if we get so caught up in our preconceived notions that this logic causes us to miss out on our perfect match?

I met Luke online talking about social work. He wanted to meet and talk shop sometime. I felt resistant, since I had just gotten over a series of bad dates and a history of two failed attempts at long-term relationships. I could not figure out why I hadn’t had good fortune in the love department; all of these guys had been exactly what I had in mind. According to logic, I should have been lucky in love quite some time ago.

But common sense is not man’s best feature, so I accepted Luke’s invitation. At first sight, he didn’t look at all like my past dates.

However he was much more handsome than his on-line profile insinuated. Our conversation flowed naturally over dinner and we laughed a lot.

I learned that he liked country music, drove a pick-up and worked in the ministry. These qualities were great in porno films but certainly not on my list of dating desires. He learned that I hated country music, was still naively in my ’20s and behaved like the devil’s cabana boy. We didn’t have similar interests and both met our three-strike limit quickly. After dinner Luke kindly paid the bill, as we declared this gathering a non-date.

Our odd connection paved the way for friendship while we went on to date other people. He continued on his path of dating mature men while I chased rebellious boys. Logic continued to let us down – as our attempted ideal matches weren’t as ideal as we’d thought.

While I went through some challenging times, Luke really showed what a good friend he could be. This gave me the chance to see things that I wouldn’t have seen over a mere dinner or casual meeting. My need for a tattooed guy with “good” taste in music had caused me to possibly miss out on something even better: a person with a genuine heart.

Luke was kind, respectful, authentic – and best of all – he was a good communicator. Eventually, the illogical aspect of our dissimilar interests had to go out the window and a real romance began.

Luke was HIV-negative and I had just discovered I was HIV-positive. Amidst all this confusion, we decided to make an experiment of it and try something neither of us have done before.

In our brand new relationship, we started couple’s therapy.

Our therapist was brutally honest and told us that sometimes certain relationships are just not meant to be. Luke and I decided that if we could lay out all of our issues immediately and not run away, our bond could survive anything.

Instead of the three months we slotted for it, the therapy plan lasted for a full year. Sometimes we left the office feeling masochistic. But no matter how difficult it was, something larger than either of us kept us coming back.

Eventually the smiles outweighed the frowns. We came to see the value in our differences rather than the friction. Luke and I became the epitome of yin and yang as he helped me settle down and I helped him loosen up. After we stopped therapy, it felt as though we had a foundation more solid than any other in our lives. Honesty no longer felt like a threat and we communicated with intent to understand one another, rather than having our objective be to “win.” For the first time in my life, I felt love in its most solid and authentic form.

The experiment was a success. I felt stunned to learn that my predetermined desires did not make the foundation of a successful relationship.

Looking back, I realized that there were probably a lot of assholes who may have had music tastes similar to mine, and although Luke and I may not have agreed on the radio station, we did agree on how to care for one another.

Two years later,  Luke told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

On our fourth anniversary, we celebrated with a ceremony. Our family and friends gathered with us to celebrate as we exchanged vows to not only make a promise to each other, but also to honor the unconventional path it took to get there.

On paper, our relationship shouldn’t have worked. The judgment of using preconceived notions as a dating gauge failed us for the better.

Luke and I were lucky enough to slip through the cracks of the dating logic. We ignored the disjuncture of our interests and went in search of deeper meaning. In bypassing what we thought we wanted, Luke and I actually got what we really needed.