Losing My Head

Dear Shanna,

So this is going to sound really odd, but I’m a woman (a lesbian woman, more specifically), and I absolutely hate receiving oral sex. Weird, right? The problem is my new partner loves going down on me, and I don’t want her to think it has anything to do with her, or with her not being good at it. Help!

Don’t Dine At My Y, Denver.

Dear Don’t Dine at My Y,

As anyone who has attended pretty much any of my workshops can tell you, there is no holy grail of sex. Our society tries to convince us otherwise. If only we can find a way to have happy, healthy anal sex, then our sex lives will be perfect. If only we can properly discover the G-spot and stimulate it juuuust right, we will be fulfilled. For many women — especially lesbians and bisexual women — the idea is that you must love receiving oral sex, and the goal is to find a partner who can spend days between your thighs.

Here’s the deal: There is no one magical sex act that’s one size fits all. Some people with vulvas enjoy receiving head; others could care less. Others actively do NOT like people going down on them. Same goes for possessors of penises; not every loves getting a blow job, contrary to popular belief. However, given the pressure of society to “love” these acts, plus the challenges folks tend to have around actively asking for their wants and needs to be met sexually, there is a whole lot of miscommunication happening.

Now, in some situations,
 people don’t like having someone
 going down on them for a specific reason; they had a bad experience,
 they were told it was selfish, they
 are a survivor of some type of
 sexual abuse, there are body
image issues there. Honestly, the 
list goes on. If this is you, AND
 (keyword is and) you want to change this, talking with a counselor or therapist about changing your view of oral sex and/or working through some of your past could be helpful. On the other hand, some people just plain don’t like getting oral sex, and it has nothing to do with self-esteem, social views, or past trauma. Same way some people just plain don’t like chocolate (this has taken me a long time to accept, but it is in fact truth).

You need to have a chat with your new partner sooner rather than later. She might love going down in general, but has probably noticed it isn’t really your jam … or you’re faking it really well, which is its own issue. Take a moment — not during sexual time — to tell her what she does to you that you DO like, what other things you’d like her to do to you, and what you’d like to do to her. Explain that you can tell she’s quite the oral expert, but that of all the items on the sex buffet, the breakfast of champions just doesn’t make the cut for you personally. Again, make sure to emphasize all the other amazing things (sexual and otherwise) you like, focus on new things to add in, and make sure there is a bit about “this isn’t just with you; I’ve never liked having this done to me.” A good partner will accept the compliments, appreciate your truthfulness, and perhaps rise to the challenges of finding new delightful things to do to you!

Best of luck!

Shanna.