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LGBTQ Dating in Recovery: 5 Questions and Answers

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You probably know from experience that alcohol and drug use is higher among the LGBTQ community than the population generally. Not only do we recreationally use substances more than our straight counterparts, but our rates of drug and alcohol dependence are also higher.  The infamous Stonewall Riots were, in fact, a response to police crackdowns at a popular gay bar in New York City, and attendance at the bars seems to be a requirement. If you’re newly sober, you might find it challenging to navigate the dating scene. If you use the apps to find dates, you know all-too-well that the first invitation to meet is often to grab a drink. You probably have a few questions (I sure did when I quit drinking), so I’m answering the top five questions I frequently hear in LGBTQ AA meetings.   How Long Until I Can Start Dating? Wait a full year from the date of your substance use to get back on the market. I know it seems like a long time, but the first year of recovery needs to be about you. If your behavior was anything like most addicts and alcoholics, the drinking or drugging impacted your relationships. You need to focus on yourself and build a solid foundation for long-term recovery. Don’t argue about it; don’t overthink it, and your situation is not special or unique. Just do it. You’ve made it this far by taking the advice of others, so keep it up. How do I Know if I’m Ready to Date? During active addiction, you probably were not in the healthiest of relationships. Most of us were dishonest; some of us cheated, and all of us took advantage of our significant others. The sober you should take a long, honest look at previous relationships and identify the mistakes you’ve made. Were you dishonest? Where did you abuse trust? Was open and direct communication lacking between the two of you? Was the relationship codependent?  You need to explore these questions before you consider a relationship. It requires time to retrain your brain to recognize unhealthy behaviors in all aspects of your life. After a complete and truthful analysis of your past relationships, you need to ask yourself some questions before you jump back into the dating pool.
  • Am I ready for disagreements?
  • Do I know what healthy conflict resolution looks like?
  • Am I ready to respect boundaries? 
  • Can I contribute to another person’s life positively?
If you’ve answered yes to these questions, you might be ready to start dating. However, you should discuss the topic with your new sober friends, 12-step sponsor, and your therapist.  Can I Still Go to The Bars? Yes—well, maybe. It depends on where you are in your recovery. It is essential in early sobriety to avoid triggering locations and situations that remind you of old habits. Generally speaking, it’s a horrible idea to hang out at the places where you engaged in substance use in your first year. Your brain needs time to rewire and recover from the substance-induced haze, and it takes time. The last thing you want to do is to undo the progress you’ve made for a Grindr hook-up or a date.  All conversations about returning to old hangouts need to occur between you, your sponsor, and your therapist. If you decide to return to the bars eventually, be sure to bring a friend who is aware of your recovery as an extra layer of support and accountability.  What Do I Say When Someone Asks Me to Grab a Drink? You’ll get this question a lot. You know all that honesty your new recovery friends talk about? Now it’s time to showcase your new skill. I usually say, “I don’t drink, but I’m down to grab a coffee.” That’s it. When I’ve brought up my recovery, everyone says, “that’s awesome!” Much to my surprise, it hasn’t been an issue.  That said, you need to evaluate potential mates in a new light.  If you’re using an app, use it to your advantage. Drinks in hand in every photo? Probably not a good match. Some apps, like Hinge, allow for easy vetting. The profile section contains an area where they answer questions about drug and alcohol use. If they’ve checked all yes boxes for substances, save yourself the trouble, and swipe left. As helpful as a little photo stalking is, you won’t fully know what someone’s relationship with substances is until you get to know them. Don’t be afraid to have an honest conversation because your long-term sobriety depends on it. If any potential date is uneasy about your recovery, it says a heck-of-a-lot more about their relationship with drugs and alcohol than yours. Can I Date Someone From a 12-Step Meeting? This is commonly referred to as “13th stepping” and a very gray area.  If you’re less than a year clean and sober, then no.  If you’re past the one-year mark, remember to consider how long the other person has. It’s ill-advised to date anyone with under a year. The main reason meetings exist is to help people live a life free of alcohol and drugs, and they are not a replacement for Grindr or the bar.  However, I do know several happily married couples who met at a 12-Step meeting. If you find someone you click with, it is acceptable to ask them out on a date. Just respect boundaries, have an honest conversation, and let them know your interest extends further than sobriety-related conversations. Dating in sobriety will be a fresh, fun, and worthwhile experience. You’ll quickly notice how much you’ve grown and matured because the difference between your new and previous relationships will be very apparent. The key is to make sure you’re ready, respect boundaries, and remember to be honest and transparent.    Aspen Ridge If you’re wondering about your relationship with alcohol or drugs, call AspenRidge Recovery, and we’ll help you evaluate your situation. We have several programs available that treat various degrees of substance use. We also have an online recovery program called AspenRidge REACH that allows you to get confidential help from the privacy of your own home. Visit REACHOnlineRecovey.com for more info or call us at (866) 271-7173.
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