A Letter to a Young, Closeted Me

Hey pre-gay, small-town Chris. This is you in a decade or so.

Good news! You’re in your upper-twenties and a full-blown homo now. (Pun intended, congrats.) It took you a while, but you’ve almost figured it out. Here are a few tidbits to keep in mind as you evolve from a straight Wyoming boy to a raging queen.

First, you’re neither of those things, and you know it. Stop thinking that just because you tell people you want nothing to do with vaginas, you’re suddenly dropped into this category where you have to find a new identity. It’s way simpler than that. You don’t need a new Hollister wardrobe or an emergency drag costume. You look terrible in drag, and shaving is the worst.

There will be a long period of your twenties where you don’t say “yes” anymore — it’s now enthusiastically pronounced “YAAASS.”

Let it happen. One of the best parts of being gay is the trendy language you’re allowed to adopt. Also, you’ll call your other gay male friends “girl” and “kween,” and everyone will be pretty ok with it.

Find that balance between knowing who’s in it for the hookup and who to keep around as a friend. You’re going to use gay apps, and they’re going to seem really weird at first. Guys will randomly send their d*cks to you, and you can basically order a blowjob if you want one. You’ll be pretty good at staying safe, but approach each situation openly. Don’t feel obligated to respond to anyone, but if you find yourself in a place where it seems like there’s more there, let him know, and hopefully he’ll return the favor. Gay apps are generally awful for dating.

Gay bars are only as scary as you make them. You’re going to avoid a lot of bars on Colfax until you’re comfortable. That’s mostly because you’re from Wyoming. Once you ease your way in, don’t be afraid to talk to people. And bring your parents eventually. They’ll think the patios are cute and flip over happy-hour prices.

Your parents. Dude. You will spend a couple years flat-out lying to them about your life. But that’s not really new, is it? Your plan is to wait until you have a boyfriend so your mom won’t try to find you one. Totally valid, but seriously, just tell them. Some guys have it way worse than you. Don’t be dramatic, kiddo. They’re waiting.

You’re going to meet plenty of guys who are older and wiser than you. Remember the wiser part, and you can basically ignore the older part … unless they’re your dad’s age and want to cuddle — you’re cool to bypass that.

Settling for a sugar daddy may seem appealing at many points, but you know what you want. Trust your instinct.

You’ll lose weight by accident. Then you’ll get fat again. That’s what comfortable relationships can do to a fella, so try to not let it bother you. Other gay guys might be picky, but you’re doing just fine. You do you. Exercise for your own happiness. The good guys can look past a little jiggle.

Being an average gay guy isn’t that bad. Sooner than later, you’re going to figure out the gay community is hella diverse. You’ll be attracted to guys who want nothing to do with you, and in turn, you’re going to want to avoid some guys who really like you. You’ve never been good with being one of the guys, and you won’t really get better at it. (I still don’t know if people actually do.)

Just because the world now knows you like d*ck doesn’t mean you get less socially awkward — sorry.

But it does get better. And gays are way cooler than you ever expected. Welcome to the club.