A Letter to Motorcycle Skeptics
If someone doesn’t ride a motorcycle, or didn’t grow up with a family of motorheads, there’s a good chance that when I show up to meet him/her somewhere on the bike, I’ll be subject to a lecture before I’m even greeted. “You really need to be careful out there,” Worry Wart might say, as though I’d never considered it. It’s then that I daydream of mountain-riding as they wax on about a cousin’s neighbor’s gardener’s astrologer who died when he left the bar shitfaced and helmet-less for what was to become his last ride.
Next time, however, I’m going to pull a crumpled copy of this article from my riding jacket, smack it against Worry Wart’s chest, and go wait inside the coffee shop for my well-intentioned new friend to finish reading it and join me. The following are a few ways that I, and other responsible riders, avoid being a grim statistic. Let’s roll.
Drinking and Riding
No. The very last thing you want on a bike is compromised coordination. The simple act of leaning — even just a touch — is how most turns are navigated, so a wobbly ass and drunken jelly-arms mean your sexy machine is interpreting: “Avoid straight lines, got it.” As well, target fixation (meaning you’re staring at what you don’t want to hit as opposed to the path you need to take to avoid hitting it) is a huge problem for a brain that isn’t thinking clearly and for eyes that are controlled by said booze-soaked brain. Honestly, I won’t even ride if I’m slightly hungover. Any alcohol in your system is bad news on a bike, my friend.
Riding Sans Helmet
(Sans is French for “without.”)
“Imagine my surprise moving here to see all these chowderheads riding around without any skull-and-brain protection. Head injuries are Public Enemy No. 1 if you wanna stay alive after a wreck. I can’t think of any reasons you’d skip the brain bucket that don’t deal with vanity, stupidity, laziness, or that fatal combo.”
No, you’re not so great a rider that you’re immune to wrecking. No, you’re not such a badass that being thrown off the bike and smeared across the interstate won’t mess you up. Oh, they’re pricey? Not as pricey as hospital bills for head trauma. They’re hot? Not as hot as road-rash on your lips and eyelids. I kinda want to say you don’t look as cool as you think you do with your bandana and Oakley’s, but that probably means you’re in a biker gang, in which case: You look completely awesome and please don’t kill me, Sir Cool Guy.
Going Gearless
Dude. You sprung for a machine that costs thousands of dollars. Save a few more bucks and get some ankle coverage, gloves, riding pants, that helmet we were talking about, and a rad jacket with some built-in Kevlar, perhaps.
“Squidding”
You’ve seen them: doofuses on neon crotch-rockets, flip-flops activated, T-shirts blowing up their back in that weird updraft, one hand on the handlebars, the other “chillin’” on their knees as they tear down 25 weaving in and out of traffic chuffing and smirking like you’re the annoying one. These guys and gals overestimate their ability to handle a motorcycle and sadly end up the statistic that ruins it for the rest of us. Riders with a semblance of respect and the will to live don’t like that mess either. We know these d-bags as ‘squids.’
It’s absolutely true that bad things can happen even to the best of riders, but a good riding class and lots of precaution go a long, injury-free way. We love riding because it’s a beautiful and therapeutic way to pass a lovely day and we value your safety as much as we value ours. So the next time you feel like balking at a rider, make sure you’re not wagging a finger at one of the good ones. If you just got this article pressed into your chest, though, you totally were. See you inside.
