Lesbian Relationship GPS: Enjoying Pride While Navigating a Rocky Relationship

Search (or Question): How do I get into the Pride mood and festivities when my relationship seriously sucks at the moment?

Directions (or Answer): Go from pain to Pride.

First of all, let me just say … I feel your exasperation, your pain.

It’s an enormous frustration (and a probably a big, emotionally dysregulating trigger) to be caught in the dilemma of excitement and disappointment—especially about things that are so important to you—excitement that you’re finally getting to break out of pandemic-imposed-shutdowns and enjoy the hell out of Pride, again, and disappointment of being in no mood to venture into the Pride crowds proclaiming and celebrating, “My queer love wins the day!”

Argh! What to do?

My recommended route through this dilemma …

Feel the feeling that bubbles up in you (or hits you like a sledge hammer in your chest).
Do something comforting to get back into flow state.
Create something small.
Share this experience with your partner.
Get your partner to talk about their thoughts and feelings, too.
Craft an agreement, together, about leaning out of pain and into Pride.

Allow me to expand on these six steps:

Feel the feeling.

In case you haven’t heard, here’s some great news … Feelings only last 90 seconds. If you let yourself sink into them. Really. So for the next 90 seconds: Focus on the feeling; name it; notice where it shows up in your body, observe the physical sensation, and breathe.

Do something comforting to get back into flow state.

Chances are, the internal dilemma of “I’m excited for Pride, but it sucks that my relationship is in the pits!” has thrown you right out of your homeostasis (your flow zone) and into emotional dysregualtion (fight, flight, or freeze).

The second step is to do something to get back to that internal calm place.

Take a few minutes to nurture yourself. You could grab your favorite soft, cozy blanket and wrap yourself up in it. Make yourself a delicious and warm cup of tea. Or go put your bare feet in the grass. Allow yourself to pause and do a little self-care. You’ll know when you’ve gotten back to that calm place within yourself.

Create something small.  

This third step is designed to help you get into a brain space of creativity and curiosity. Make or create a little something. Nothing big or elaborate. You could whip up a tasty dish in the kitchen, write a poem, draw a picture, color in your adult coloring book, or make a digital collage of recent photos.

By creating something, you open yourself up to compassion and curiosity—both for yourself and others. Including your partner that you haven’t been feeling great about.

Share this experience with your partner. (Yep! Talk about it.)

Step four may feel super challenging, especially if you tend to avoid vulnerability or conflict. Put on your big-kid panties, and speak up bravely. You can do it! Make sure your partner is in a good place to listen, and tell them about your feelings. Ask them just to listen and not problem-solve. Share all your thoughts and your conflicting feelings about Pride and the current state of your relationship. Get your partner to talk about their thoughts and feelings, too

After you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings, and you can tell that your partner has understood, ask them to tell you all about their feeling related to this topic. Listen from that place of compassion and curiosity. Don’t get defensive. Just listen to understand, and ask lots of questions so that you get to know your partner more deeply.

Craft an agreement, together, to lean out of pain and into Pride. 

Now that you and your partner have understood and empathized with one another, you can take this final step. Together, come up with a team goal of celebrating Pride and moving back toward one another in little ways.

An agreement to consider: Let’s stop fighting and start flirting.

You can begin moving out of the painful relationship patterns you’ve been stuck in simply by agreeing to have some fun together during this Pride month. It’s not necessary to solve all your problems before you reconnect, have fun, enjoy your community, and celebrate your wild, wonderful queer love. By each of you shifting your focus off of what’s wrong and painful in your relationship and onto the joy of Pride, you can craft a major relationship WIN!

Take your focus off of pain, and focus on Pride. How will that feel?