Kids Are the Scariest STD
I don’t care what you say, children are a sexually transmitted disease. Think about it: People have unprotected sex, then the next thing they know, someone’s tested positive for the baby virus.
After that devastating news, for the next nine months this tiny little creature will grow inside your body, slowly feeding away on your insides. Then, when it’s reached its maximum growth, it’ll start clawing and fighting its way out. I view this process to be similar to that of those Aliens movies with Sigourney Weaver, where the hell-beast rips through you, leaving a bloody pool of carnage. Sounds terrible, right? It’s not over.
Once the creature has exited its host body, it’ll spend the next 18 years asking for money — I’m not even kidding. I know many people who’ve caught the baby virus and all they talk about is how much money it costs. Apparently in some states and countries, you are legally obligated to pay for housing this walking and breathing reminder of your unprotected coitus.
But fear not! Depending on your gender and sexual orientation, there is some good news. Men are only carriers of the baby virus — it’s women who show all the symptoms. Also, transmission of the baby virus is only possible when sex is had between a male and a female. Gay men and women are all safe from the virus. I like to think of this as a blessing from God Herself. I personally have three sisters and all of them are heterosexually challenged. Due to unprotected sex, they all have managed to become infected. My oldest sister got it twice. My middle sister and her husband intentionally caught the baby virus and my youngest sister caught a morphed version which lead to two creatures coming out of her at once!
Me: “I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat — U.”
Pat: “There’s one U, Don.”
“Ok, I’d like to solve the puzzle: FUNK THAT!’”
Besides the creature asking for money, there are other side effects of this particular plague. You’re tired. Like, all the time. I’ve seen my sisters and their husbands cope with the baby virus, and they always look exhausted. I would suggest they take a vacation, but the bags under their eyes are so big, the TSA would confuse them for unchecked luggage. Could you imagine?
“I’m sorry ma’am but you’re only allowed one carry on — oh, damn! That’s your face! My apologies.” Plus, they probably couldn’t afford a vacation due to their bank accounts being held hostage by their little breathing STD.
They’ve actually given names to all their baby viruses too. Really cute names! I figure that’s a lot like how people call herpes a “cold sore” when it’s on your face, even though it’s totally herpes. It lessens the blow of embarrassment when forced to talk about it publicly. Know what I mean? On a few occasions I’ve heard my sisters say, “It’s hard, but it’s rewarding.” They even smile sometimes and almost appear happy. I guess we all find ways to cope with our choices. Obviously, denial is a popular option.
As a gay man, I just have to thank my lucky stars that the good Lord designed the system so that my fellow gays and I don’t have to live in fear of testing positive for the baby virus. On the other hand, being a parent to an STD could be fun — at least we get to decide when we’re ready to take that plunge. If I ever decide to become a dad, I want the bags under my eyes to be Gucci. Simply fabulous.
