Keeping the spark in your relationship

By Matthew LeBauer

It’s easy for things to turn routine and for us to become lazy about investing in our relationships. Once life gets comfortable, we often relax and leave behind the gifts, the flirtations and the skin-tingling moments. It’s a trap. Here are five ways to keep the spark alive, build connection and foster intimacy.

Create a strong ratio of positive to negative interactions. The more you bolster the safety and security of your connection (a fundamental human need), the stronger your partnership will be when a storm hits. By making sure you have many more positive emotional interactions with your partner — things as simple as winks and smiles count — you create an emotional reserve for when things get rough.

Ask specific questions; skip “how was your day?” No one knows how to answer such ambiguous questions. Ask specific, open-ended questions: “What went well today?” “How did that conversation go with your boss?” Targeted questions are easier to answer and can lead to more connecting conversations.

Offer support, not solutions. When your partner is struggling and you want to rescue her or him (“Why don’t you just tell her no?”), back off. Rescuing your partner weakens and undermines them. Offer your support instead: “I’m here for you. How would you like me to support you?”

Take care of yourself to care for your connection. A two-person relationship has three ingredients: two people, and the relationship they make. It’s important for each person to take care of her or his own self to be strong, genuine and present in the relationship. This means keeping up your own hobbies, exercise, interests and friends in addition to the shared experiences and friends you develop in your relationship.

Embrace conflicts, not arguments. Conflicts are predictable because we come from different histories and family cultures. When they meet, there’s conflict — and that’s not a bad thing. We can handle conflicts smoothly, slowly and respectfully to resolve them before they become arguments. Then we can use that experience to learn more about our partner and feel closer in re-connecting after the upset.

Matthew LeBauer, LCSW provides counseling to individuals and couples looking for ways out of distressing patterns and into fulfilling lives. You can learn how he can help you get where you want to be by visiting lebauercounseling.com.