If you’re always ‘safe,’ do you still need to disclose HIV status?

After I met Jack, I knew I found a guy I could really look up to. In his early 50s, he had been partnered for more than 30 years, established himself as a business owner, kept in shape, and had vivacious appetite for life adventure. Jack was the man I wanted as a mentor.

So when he invited my partner Luke and I to a small dinner party with a twist, we decided to go – but the twist twisted itself into something much more sexual than we expected. Luke and I had just begun to scratch the surface on experimenting with sexuality as a couple. The elegant evening combined with a sensual conclusion impeccably setup our journey into the naughty unknown.

When discussing such possibilities, Luke and I laid down some ground rules on how to make ourselves more comfortable. Knowing some people look down on couples who explore in such ways, we decided that for us things had to be done with integrity and respect. So one major rule was to always be honest about my HIV status. While always playing safely, we figured people still deserved to know.

But telling one person already wracked the nerves. Now, in a room with Jack and his friends, I didn’t know what to do. Should I stand up and make an announcement? Should I whisper the information in their ears one at a time? Over dinner, I had really liked these guys. I wanted to tell them the truth. But the kissing and the touching had already begun. I froze.

Since Luke was HIV-negative, we were already pros on how to play safely as a couple. There would never be any exceptions. Still feeling confused, I only got minimally involved in the orgy fun in hopes that when I would disclose later, no one would overreact.

After that evening, we all quickly became Facebook friends. I figured that about a week’s time would be appropriate to fire off some casual messages informing them all, including the host, about my HIV status. Some reacted calmly, saying that they always play safe and knew we didn’t do anything risky. Others were a little bit startled and saw it as a wakeup call to go get tested.

However, I couldn’t have predicted Jack’s response. He wrote back telling me he was also HIV-positive. I couldn’t believe that my mentor, the man who had everything, also had HIV. And it occurred to me that if I hadn’t known his status, most likely the rest of his guests didn’t either.

This isn’t an uncommon concept in the world of HIV. With improved medications, undetectable viral levels, and smart standards on safe play, many guys do not feel the need to tell sexual partners their status. They are healthy and would never put their mate at risk. With that logic, bringing it up would more likely ruin the moment than make any actual progress. In either case, a transmission wouldn’t happen so why go the hassle if people don’t even bother to ask?

Clearly this was Jack’s train of thought too. Somewhat displeased by my need to tell people, he explained that I was probably doing more harm than good by freaking these guys out. Things got confusing again. Had Luke and I’s No. 1 rule of integrity been a huge mistake?

As I sat down to fire off another email and apologize to Jack and the guys for telling them about my status, something about this method of not telling others just didn’t feel right. Saying sorry for being honest didn’t feel like integrity.

One of the things that annoyed me most about being HIV-positive was the fact that nobody talked about it. Things like this lead to stigma and loneliness. Not telling someone wouldn’t help and could make things worse.

I stepped away from the computer confidently disagreeing with Jack the mentor. With hundreds of people getting diagnosed in our city each year, I knew I couldn’t be silent especially when it came to playing well with others. If telling people would freak them out in a sexy situation, then at least bringing HIV to their attention would be worth not getting anything sexy at all.