How will your ganja garden grow?

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells, and cockle shells,

And marijuana all in a row.

Well, that’s how my garden would grow if I get my way this spring, minus the cockle shells. I would not even know where to begin to look for cockle shell seeds. And what the hell are cockle shells anyway?

I was very excited when the Denver City Council passed an ordinance allowing up to six pot plants to be grown per person with a maximum of 12 plants per household. I had visions of roto-tilling my entire backyard to make way for a ganja forest of fun. With 300 days of sunshine, my weedy weeds would rival Jack and his boring old beanstalk.

But that bubble was burst when it was announced that the plants could only be grown indoors and in a locked space. Being a drag queen with hoarder tendencies leave little room for a mere fern, let alone a dozen THC laden trees. My drag dungeon is filled to the ceiling with thigh high platform boots, green and pink bouffants, and tackle boxes overflowing with earrings that were former Christmas ornaments and dog toys from Pets R Us. I could not possibly share my spotlights with grow lights.

Mr. Waste and I do have a two-car garage that locks. But that would require moving out the Miata, Vespa scooter, Zero electric motorcycle, a push lawn mower, three mountain bikes with flat tires, 20 empty beehives, a 30-frame honey extractor, one deep freezer, four bales of Halloween straw, a light-up Christmas moose, a giant burlap and chicken wire mud-man mask, and a 1,000 pound antique O’Keefe Merritt chrome top stove that I dragged out to Denver from Kansas City. Did I mention the red canoe that is hanging from the rafters? While these all could make interesting decorations in our living room, it would not leave room for Puppy Waste One and Two and their menagerie of chew toys.

Finding the space to grow a dozen Mary Jane plants is only half the hurdle. What’s really withering my plans is Mr. Waste himself. He absolutely refuses to have pot growing in the house.

I do find it ironic that his reason is that he works for the city, a city that has legalized recreational marijuana. Mr. Waste feels that a good law-abiding city worker should not be harboring herbs and hash, bless his heart.

So I must honor my husband’s wishes and limit my green thumb to sage, rosemary and thyme, along with a few tomato plants. Wacky tabacky will have to wait.

But I am sure some of you are already installing those grow lights and raising the rafters to make room for some green ganja gardening. You’ve been Googling the internet for tips on THC tilling. You’re hoping that this year’s Denver County Fair will be handing out blue ribbons (or should they be green?) for Best Bud and Tastiest Cannabis Pie. Your holiday cookies next December will be extra festive. And you’ve repurposed your “Keep Off The Grass” sign.

I wish you the best of luck. I am green with envy.