How to survive football season
It’s that magical time of year, when people start smiling a little more despite the blistering cold, and dark days. It’s that optimistic time of year, when we start to asses how to better our lives in 2016. It’s that stressful time of year when bank accounts start to dwindle, and drinks are needed as family visitation feels more like prison than a vacation.
But above all that, it’s officially the time of year that sports jerseys run the streets. Bars become increasingly louder and obnoxious. Tweets and Facebook status’ don’t make sense, unless you know what a ‘safety’ is. It’s football season, and for this sissy who spent his entire life trying to avoid ESPN, and everything it stands for, it’s officially the season of constant side-eye.
I can only go off of my own experiences here, but Denver is a place that loves sports. Even the queers are into it. There’s nothing wrong with this, of course, it’s just not my scene. Unfortunately, for me and the others who only want to watch football for the butts, Denver is immersed, and we are stuck. There are times when we simply will not be able to escape the dreaded sports announcers and yelling fans, So, let’s try and make the best of it.
Focus on the butts
We know how tight those pants are. We know how often you do squats. We know that butt looks real nice squeezed into pads, and perfectly outlined by your jock strap. We know what to focus on as the camera man zooms out of the close up face shots. But, TV loves to punish us. Not only can we not get a decent queer character in any TV show that Ryan Murphy isn’t behind, but sports broadcasters are not suppose to do a full body close up, because too often the pants are see through, and men’s butts are too scandalous for the NFL.
But, watch close enough and once in blue moon there’s a mistake and wishes come true. There’s nothing better than a sporty butt.
Scope out the fans
There is nothing more attractive, or intimidating, than a bunch of grown men, drinking beer, clapping, and cheering for something. Of course, it’s always better when they are cheering on drag queens, free booze, or Mariah Carey, but in the winter we have to settle for touchdowns. So, as the Bronco’s score touchdowns, make sure to scan the room, rather than watch the slow motion replay. Check out the smiles. Check out the bro hugs. Check out the men chugging beer. Hell, check out the one Steelers fan sulking at the bar, buy him a drink, comfort him, and take him home.
Toot or boot
It’s simple. If you think a player is attractive, you “toot” him. If you think a player is unattractive, you “boot” him. This is a game best played with friends. If you’re at the bar tooting and booting to yourself, it’s kinda creepy. But with friends, it becomes a game. Also, you get a better understanding of your friend’s type. It’s fun and informative.
Get your beauty rest
Football is everywhere in the winter. And if the sea of orange and black here in Denver is too much, then stay in. Play some video games, or read a book. Put on your moisturizer and binge watch Netflix. Start a knitting circle. Clean your apartment. Or, just take a lot of Sunday naps.
