Hooking up with a cheater

Dear Brent,

A guy wants to hook up with me, and I think the sex would be amazing. But he has a boyfriend he already cheats on sometimes. I told him he should try to make his relationship “open” so it would be OK, but he was too nervous to bring it up with his guy. I keep thinking that, since he is already doing it with other guys, I wouldn’t be a home-wrecker. I don’t agree with cheating but think that it would be his moral failing, not mine. Do you think it would be wrong of me to hook up with him?  

Doesn’t it suck when your morals are in conflict with your penis? This war has raged for centuries: The struggle between what you feel that you should do versus what you want to do. I think you already know the answer in your own heart.

Our minds are amazing tools for solving problems or inspiring growth. They’re also amazing at finding excuses and moral escape routes that aren’t logical, ethical or helpful.  We convince ourselves it’s OK to jump in the car after too many beers because it’s only a few miles home, that it won’t hurt to take that strange man’s candy, or that skinny jeans look awesome. Quite often we’ll look back and wish we’d paid more attention to our doubts.

C.S. Lewis wrote that “integrity is doing what is right, even when no one is looking.” This really speaks to maintaining focus on your own conscience. It can be really challenging when something fun or sexy is in front of us – there are times we make choices that bite us in the ass, lead us to regret or put our honor and sense of personal integrity in jeopardy.

Imagining incredible sex isn’t the most logical justification for sleeping with this guy; I can name thousands of people I could imagine having mind-blowing sex with that don’t involve morally-questionable circumstances. Personally I’m thinking that there are many people running around who that are sexy, engaging, and would be a great partner in some sweaty, sticky, wall-shaking, neighbor-annoying, dog-howling sex. These people may also be in a situation to be honest with you and others in their lives instead of sneaking around.

I understand that you are facing a different decision since your guy is standing in front of you, ready to drop his drawers and go to town. But no matter how you justify it, he is still cheating on a partner who is most likely unaware that he is going out to pound butt. By his own admission, his relationship is not defined by screwing other people and he is breaking a trust. How would you want people to react if your boyfriend was doing that, or if you were being tempted away from something you had committed to? There are times that we need to look at the bigger picture and see people’s creepy intentions or lack of honor.

Of course, we are all subject to free will, which includes your choice to hook up with this guy or not. Hopefully most of us have an angel on one shoulder to counter a devil on the other. Angels keep us safe from harm, while devils can keep us turned-on and wondering about the more dangerous side of life. Both can be convincing in the short-term. But when our devious side crushes the parts of us that make us good people, we risk doing immoral things that go against who we are internally. You have to look at yourself in the mirror daily. Make sure that you are doing things to support who you are. Search your feelings. You know them to be true.