HELLO HOMO! Holiday Safety with Racheal Tenerowicz

Hello Homo!

Your holiday safety planning articles from last year were helpful. What advice do you have for us this year with the shit show post-election world we are in?

-Kat, Colorado Springs

Hey Kat!

I am glad my holiday safety plans were helpful in the past. Frankly, this year, I could see the holidays being harder than ever for LGBTQ+ people. This year feels like a perfect storm for conflict around any holiday table. LGBTQ+ people are feeling incredibly vulnerable and afraid, and Trump-supporting family members are feeling emboldened and defensive. Additionally, holidays and expectations to be together are woven into the fabric of our culture, families, and us (consciously and not).

Flat out, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, so you certainly don’t have to go to a holiday gathering you think could be emotionally (or physically) violent. Sometimes, the consequences of not doing a holiday may be better than the repercussions after a negative holiday. Holiday safety planning is designed to help anyone build awareness to decide what is best for you.

I have this dear friend, Racheal Tenerowicz, an LGBTQ+ specialized therapist. We were interns together almost 10 years ago and even saw our first clients on the same day. She and I were trained together on LGBTQ+ safety planning for foreseeable unsafe situations like the holidays. To bring in an additional perspective on holidays and LGBTQ+ emotional safety, I asked her to weigh in.

So, Rachael, how can we support Kat and other OFM readers this year?

Yeah, this year’s holidays could be hard. While they are typically challenging for LGBTQ+ folks, this one seems like it could be even harder. There can be big feelings in either direction: fear and anxiety for folks going to their family of origin or depression and guilt for choosing not to. So, ultimately, it is essential to identify what foreseeable challenging emotions may arise and think ahead of what can help.

For many of my clients going home, I suggest thinking about reasons you can excuse yourself to take time to check in with yourself. Is there a family dog that needs to be walked regularly? How about planning errands you can do on your own? Or share with your family that you are doing a walking or yoga challenge and need to break away every day to stay in line with your goal. That way, you know to expect a break where you can do your own thing.

In these daily breaks, I suggest that clients engage in regular activities: grounding, breathing, journaling, calling a friend (if possible), watching a favorite show, or listening to a favorite playlist or podcast. Whatever will bring you back into contact with yourself.

I remember when we would suggest finding the nearest 24-hour grocery store and using the grocery store as a safe place to ground. Grocery stores can surprisingly be great physical grounding spaces. You can walk up and down each aisle, counting your steps or focusing on your breathing while you walk. Or track the different smells as you walk through the store (the coffee and bakery sections are great for that). There is a visual grounding exercise where you count the number of times you see a specific color, which is easy to do with all the packaging. When all else fails, you can get a snack and be distracted by flavor and taste.

Yeah, and if you don’t have a resource like a 24-hour store, how can you plan to find safety within the house you are staying in? For some, it is losing themselves in a book, audiobook, TV show, or podcast. Can your pet go with you? Do you have a hobby that you can travel with, like drawing? I love to bring my crochet supplies wherever I go. Do you have a scent or fragrance that will remind you of your home or your safe space? Like your favorite soap, candle, or body spray you can take with you? That way, you can have a a different sensory grounding that can bring you into contact with feeling safe and comfortable.

Or thinking about turning everyday things into an opportunity to get grounded, like showering. If you are disregulated, stand under the shower for a moment, and turn the water from warm to cold back and forth. Things like that can bring us back to the moment.

Sadly, sometimes, we just have to get through the holidays. We can’t change that offensive uncle or anyone else, for that matter. In previous holiday safety planning articles, I shared tools for assertive communication and boundary setting. Those tools might help with challenging family members. We have shared those tools with our clients, friends, and community over the years. What else do you think would be helpful for OFM readers?

So, in moments like that, I would find an ally. Someone in your family that you could have a code word with or a signal of some kind to help you exit a conversation that you don’t want to be a part of. It is a really good tool to keep yourself regulated and also keep each other safe. I often try to have clients who don’t have an ally in their family to have a buddy who is maybe at their family also struggling or just someone who is accessible.

What do you suggest for people without someone they could be accountable to or get support from?

Get creative, and ask other friends or family in the neighborhood or town you’re visiting who you could reach out and send a message. They can then call you so you can exit the room if necessary.

When all else fails, and you feel unsafe, you have our permission to lie—lie through your teeth.  

Say you are not feeling well and must go to urgent care, or your friend needs a ride to the airport. Whatever you must do, we want you to be safe and return to your life as unscathed as possible after this holiday.

So, Kat, I hope this interview with Rachel was helpful! Go check out Racheal’s website here! She is an incredible LGBTQ+-specialized therapist whom I highly recommend. I hope you and all OFM readers have a safe holiday if you choose to go to your family of origin or not.

Have a question you would like answered? Submit your questions directly to me at hellohomo@ofm.media

Click here to check out Rachael’s LGBTQ+ therapy practice!

Follow me on Instagram @holistic.homosexual for weekly updates and links to each new post on OFM. 

 Disclaimer: Hello Homo is for informational and educational purposes and is not a substitute for mental health treatment. Hello Homo (Jesse Proia) is not providing mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment to readers. If you are someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please contact 911, , or go to the nearest emergency room.