HeinzeSight: Thicker Than Blood

My family is somewhat of a train wreck. Growing up, they weren’t supportive and were terrible when I came out. I rarely talk to them and only see them for a few hours on an occasional holiday. I’ve tried to talk to them about how I felt growing up, but I get the feeling that they don’t want to admit that it was tough or work on building a relationship with me now that I am an adult. Should I keep working on fixing our relationship or just cut my losses?

We are all born into families. Even if we were raised by other people than our biological parents, the family we experienced growing up was largely out of our control. There are times where extended family, adopted or foster parents, or community people may have also stepped in to provide safety, consistency, structure, and caring for us.

Regardless of how we were raised, the people around us during that time may not be the people we choose to build a life around as we get older. Throughout our lives, many of us have experienced moving away from our support networks that existed when we were growing up. This includes moving away from our biological family and others who were there for us earlier in our development.

Although we have little to no choice in selecting our original family, we can create an expanded support network as we get older. This becomes our family of choice, and the composition may change over time. Often, it includes a very select group of people including friends, partners, and even some members of our previously mentioned family.

Some people are there for the full duration, while others may come in and out depending what is going on in each person’s life. Some are more impactful than others, while there may be certain people whose role is somewhat undefined or confusing to what they bring that is beneficial to the overall experience. Not every person has to have a particular function or quality that makes this extended family stronger, but most people in our chosen group enrich the overall experience in some way.

Related article: Heinzesight- Talk is Cheap

I think the bigger question you are asking is if your biological family is capable of offering you the support and love that you want from them. Unfortunately, the longer you unsuccessfully attempt to gain acceptance, respect, or understanding from your family, you risk becoming increasingly frustrated and hopeless that you will achieve these desires. Honestly, you risk much more than just feeling disappointed.

If you are experiencing rejection and emotional pain from them, you might actually be re-traumatized and cause more damage to yourself psychologically by trying to engage with them. You may want to consider how much effort you are putting into healing the relationship and how much energy you have spent in the past with limited amounts of success.

It may be a pointless venture that will leave you exhausted and depleted regardless of how much effort you put into trying to fix something that you likely didn’t break in the first place. You might benefit from putting your energy into building more fulfilling relationships and not focus as much on improving the dynamics of your biological family, especially if your efforts will have little or no noticeable impact.

When you consider how you want to spend your time and energy, think about other people around you who bring up feelings of excitement when you see them. Many of us consider ourselves to be part of different communities and groups of people. Sometimes, we associate with those based on shared interests like music or other hobbies. Sometimes, we enjoy spending time with people because we feel drawn to their energy, humor, wit, or the way they make us feel when we snuggle up with them.

We have the choice to surround ourselves with people who support, encourage, challenge, and love us. These are the people who are generally worthy of your friendship.

If we are wasting our efforts on people who don’t have the capacity or desire to be an empowering member of our support network and family, then you aren’t putting as much effort into building healthy relationships with high-quality people as you could. Although it can be challenging to sever ties with people who are toxic in our lives, we are generally better off for facing that challenge.

It may be painful or uncomfortable in the short-term, but cutting negative people out of our lives can save us from continued frustration and emotional hurt. In all reality, your efforts to gain their acceptance and approval will likely not happen regardless. It’s important to use our limited resources in the most efficient and effective ways possible. We only have so much to give, so don’t waste it on those who don’t appreciate or deserve it.