HeinzeSight: Looking too hard for love

Dear Brent,
I have been looking for someone to date for a long time and I feel like just giving up. I put myself out there socially, both in person and online. I’ve had some OK dates, but none of them have resulted in anything significant. It seems that the good guys are already taken or looking for a one-night stand. Of course, the tragic ones want to get in a relationship. What am I doing wrong?

There’s the adage that you find love when you’re not looking for it. Although I don’t think that the world works that way, there are reasons this appears to be the case.

There are times when we are vigorously looking to achieve something that we really want. Most times getting to the destination is much more important to us then experiencing the journey. During times where you are on the prowl for a rockin’ husband, you may lose sight on the process of finding compatible people, both romantically and for friendship.

First of all, be aware of how you may come across to others. Your body language and words could communicate your hopes for success and frustrations with past encounters. When you enter a place, you may look pretty intense when you are scanning the room. There may be less of a chance you are smiling since you are on the hunt. You may also miss that you’re being checked out or just got shot a quick smile. You may show impatience, discouragement, and grumpiness when talking to people if you’re in a desperate or negative headspace. It’s amazing how these things sneak out, even if you don’t intend them to.

When you do connect with someone, there may also be tendencies to feel that you have to scrutinize the interaction: Is he meeting enough of your minimum requirements? Has he scored enough “cool” points to win a second date?

Be careful not to give up too early. There may have been times where one has been on a date and thought that the guy was nice, but there was no romantic spark. There are times were the sex is freaking amazing, but you won’t see the potential with pursuing a relationship with the guy since he’s financially irresponsible or lives in Madrid. Sometimes our over-analysis can keep us from giving someone a chance – you may be missing an opportunity to get to know an amazing person, or even just have some fun!

Unless you’re psychic, quit convincing yourself that you can peer into the relationship magic ball and see the future.

When you are so focused on finding a relationship, you risk losing the enjoyment of the dating process and getting to know people. If your heart or mind is shut down after the first inkling that the person is not worth pursuing, the remainder of the date is pointless and a total downer. Can’t you just enjoy someone for what he brings to the table at that moment? You may be discounting someone too early. Even if he isn’t “the one,” he may prove to be a cool person.

There are also times when we find love in someone who doesn’t fit our preconceived idea of what he will look like or when he will magically appear. It is so important to keep your eyes, mind and heart open to the possibility that there are wonderful people out there who will enrich our lives, just maybe not in the way we initially thought he would. Even if this change in perspective doesn’t immediately land you a partner, it can increase your enjoyment in connecting with people and could gain you some great new friends and experiences.

Remember that social networking can be a powerful tool in your dating arsenal. Even if your date doesn’t turn out to be Prince Studmuffin, he may invite you to a party where you meet someone else – who turns you on to a great new restaurant where you go and enjoy the veal – which starts a conversation with the guy next to you who coincidentally just had his friend cancel on him for the Erasure concert that night, and he asks you if you want to go with him instead.

You didn’t see that coming, did you? When you’re looking too hard, you rarely will.