HeinzeSight: Karma’s a bitch!

Dear Brent,

A while ago I made a profile on a hookup site, and uploaded a few pictures of me that weren’t the most flattering, but decent and all I had handy. I came across a very hot guy and sent him a message, but he replied that I wasn’t “in his league” and should have more closely read where his profile says he has “high standards.” Before I could even reply, he blocked me!

I recently spotted him at a gay bar, and not only was he not as hot as his picture (but still cute); he came over to introduce himself. After a couple minutes chatting he gave me his name and number, wanting to hang out. I’m 100 percent certain it’s the same guy, but he apparently didn’t recognize me. In person he seems nice, and I find him physically attractive, but I can’t get over how rudely he treated me online. Should I take him out or should I tell him he doesn’t meet my own “high standards?”

Telling your new acquaintance he doesn’t meet your high standards would be completely appropriate, quite funny, and so ironic.

There are many ways to look at this situation. Some of them are less grumpy and energy-intensive than others, but at the end of the day it is up to each of us to figure out how to deal with challenging situations. Do you blow off his comments and pretend you weren’t impacted, crucify him, or come up with something else?

Some arrogant people think there’s a different set of guidelines and etiquette for appropriate online behavior and language that wouldn’t be acceptable in the wider world. They are insensitive, negative or even spiteful online. You can check profiles for red flags that someone’s a little tragic, like an abundance of nasty and judgmental language, an extensive list of what he doesn’t want, or arrogance about how much ass he kicks.

There is also a type of insecure person who gets a sense of power hiding behind a screen. Much like the Wizard of Oz, when the big tough image is found to be an inaccurate projection, the person doesn’t come across as big and bad anymore. Insecurity can come out in so many ways including some people developing self-esteem by putting others down. Beware of these people. They need to tear others down to make themselves feel better and you will spend a lot of time and energy trying to patch their cracked self-confidence.

I suggest putting all these types in the “watevabetch” category, out of your field of vision.

One aspect of your situation makes sense: it can be difficult to match a real-life person to a digital image on a website or phone application. Some people look hotter, shorter or less attractive then their pictures. Some blatantly lie and post pictures of someone else, or of themselves 10 years younger. Others times photos don’t capture qualities that are appealing in-the-flesh.

There is every possibility your acquaintance really doesn’t recognize you or remember how much of a douche he was to you online. Congrats on your ability to match his image – and on remembering that he acted like a jackass.

Now don’t let his adorable demeanor give you amnesia. He still hurt your feelings and is now standing in front of you wanting something. At the very least, something should be said about his behaviors and how they affected you. You don’t have to be overly dramatic about bringing it up, but you may help to save someone else from his hateful explosions with a reality check – or save yourself from a bad date if he’s too volatile to handle being called out.

Your acquaintance may turn out to be a really nice guy, or he may prove that you should have trusted your instincts and told him to bugger off. There are plenty of attractive, intelligent and engaging people out there. But you have to sort through some douche bags to find them.