Heinzesight: Does it really get better?

Fellow prolific gay columnist Dan Savage and his partner Terry Miller are credited with being a driving force behind creating the “It Gets Better” campaign to bring awareness to the bullying problem within LGBTQ youth. Their efforts have driven home the point that queer youth are not alone in their struggles and it WILL get better for them as long as they can live through their difficult adolescent years.

Unfortunately for many of us as we have gotten older, we have not found vast amounts of happiness or fulfillment, especially relating to our gay lives.

Growing up can be extremely hard, and life doesn’t necessarily get better. Should we wait around for it to get better, get angry, give up, or take a more active role in improving our lives? I think it’s more important to tell people not to give up instead of instilling hope that life will improve over time.

Life definitely isn’t easy. Even without feeling bullied, many of us have struggled with low self-esteem, fear of rejection from our loved ones, and other feelings of being undesirable and wrong from listening to particular members of the press, politicians or religious leaders. We have also been negatively impacted by family and friends in various ways. Even if it was done out of ignorance or a misguided sense of morality and love, these hurtful interactions throughout our lives bruise us inside and can lead into depression, isolation, substance abuse, destructive behaviors, and unfortunately in some cases, suicide.

We can be beat down and trapped in so many ways which can cause us to stay in bad relationships, hate our bodies and deal badly with stressful situations. You can wait, hope, or pray that these things will get better, but there are times where we need to take steps to create these opportunities to help ourselves improve. There is never going to be a perfect time to start working on things. Stop waiting for planets to align and start making a move.

We face challenges daily, but it generally takes more effort than to just wait for it to get better. Ignoring problems rarely makes them go away. Even if feelings pass, they will probably re-surface again eventually. You may receive a fortune from a cookie after a great Chinese lunch that states, “You will achieve great wealth and success.” If you sit on your ass for the next 20 years waiting for the enchanted million-dollar check to arrive, you will most likely be disappointed as well as homeless.

Do things to set yourself up for success. You usually don’t get buff after working out for only a month or find Prince Charming while hanging out by a glory hole. If you want to get in shape, then it’s important to make healthier food decisions and work out. If you are looking for a man that makes your heart flutter, spend time figuring out what you want in a relationship and develop skills to talk to people. Usually things get better because we have put the sweat and effort into making them better.

Great things can take a chunk of time to achieve, so be careful about developing frustration, anger and resentment when things don’t happen as quickly or easily as you hoped. These feelings can have a severe negative impact on our motivation to keep on working on these goals. Don’t be scared about how long it will take, how difficult it will be, or thinking of ways to convince yourself that it’s really not that important to you.

Many of us focus primarily on achieving the end goal, getting there as quickly and easily as possible. The process of reaching that destination is often much more important. Although uncomfortable and challenging, it can help us develop the confidence that we can handle adversity, as well as helping us find the patience and perseverance to achieve something. We all possess the potential to create an amazing life full of great relationships, happiness, and prosperity. This ability lives within all of us. Sometimes it is harder to tap into.
Spend some energy developing the confidence that you can achieve those things that improve your life and make you a better person. Challenge yourself to work on healing those aspects of yourself that have been bruised by life instead of working hard to cover them up. Find the internal motivation and supportive people to help you on your journey. Don’t wait for it to get better: make it better!

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Get to work & change your life!

For those of you who are struggling with feelings of rejection, hopelessness and desperation – whether you’re 10 or 85 – hang in there and keep fighting. You have the ability to change your life. Even if things don’t necessarily get better just because you get older, don’t think that there is nothing you can do now to help set you up for success. Although it may take effort, it can help make living life as a queer person less miserable.

Hopefully you are not feeling that you have already peaked in your life or things can’t get better. There will always be things in our lives that we want to improve, insecurities that surface and challenges for us to face.

Take this time and focus on developing qualities like intelligence, honesty and integrity. Continue to work on figuring out your interests and passions. Develop true self-esteem by taking the time to discover what really fulfills you. Don’t be so worried about fitting into some mold so you will be accepted.

There is nothing wrong with being different. There is something extremely damaging about being ignorant, fake or tragic. Take the opportunities to develop personal strengths like your intellect and perseverance. It’s OK to ask for help when you need it. Find those supportive people that can help you through these times of exploration and discomfort.

Don’t forget that life is a gift and things can get better. It can be hard to find the strength you possess inside, but once you do, your possibilities expand infinitely. You can emerge from this process being powerful, self-assured and amazing. Now, get to work!