HeinzeSight: 10 bad gay dating habits

Like the dreaded socks and sandals combination, there are things in our culture that make us cringe because they are so incredibly wrong.

Not only can these 10 dating don’ts cause frustration, but they also keep people from connecting and building relationships. Some of these happen to us, or we may be the perpetrators.

Of course this is not a complete list. Feel free to fill in some of your favorites that I may have forgotten!

10. Needing to be discrete. I understand that there are some situations – like being Ricky Martin – that explain wearing a fedora and sunglasses while an unmarked car drops you off in an alley while you meet a hot man for sweaty fun. Most times, a guy is “discrete” because he’s already in a monogamous relationship, extremely closeted, or very uncomfortable with his sexuality.

9. Endless messaging or planning. Figure out if you have common interests, get some initial negotiation and planning out of the way, and then get together. If you’re not really intending to meet up, quit wasting the time of those who truly want to form physical, emotional or sexual connections.

8. Not respecting someone’s boundaries. Listen to what people say to you and what you read in their profiles. Quit wasting time and energy trying convince someone to step outside of his limits or proposition him for something that is clearly contrary to his intentions.

7. Inappropriate questions. There are a few that come to mind. When did it become customary to ask the size of someone’s penis or expect him to send personal naked or sexually explicit pictures? There are people who will do that, but don’t be surprised when someone’s offended by it. If you send photos, don’t be shocked when they circulate around the community.

6. Public airing of private drama. We all have crap going on in our lives. Be careful about how much interpersonal turmoil (or cyber-bitching) you do in front of others. Airing dirty laundry on Facebook or in the middle of the Compound on a Saturday night can make you look pretty tragic.

5. Not bothering to tell someone you’re canceling. Even if you are going to be five minutes late, pick up your phone and call or text to let your date know. Respect your date enough to tell him that plans had to change. By the way, the excuse that your mother’s appendix burst only works once – she only has one of those. Also, when you have made plans with someone, quit looking for something better to fill that time slot.

4. Badly or inaccurately phrased questions about HIV. When phrases like “clean” or “DDF (drug and disease free)” describe your desired mate, it sends a discriminatory and uneducated message. More appropriately-phrased questions would involve asking someone if he uses condoms, about his HIV “status” or when his last HIV test was. You could also say that you are only interested in becoming intimate with an HIV-negative individual. If your HIV-negative status is important for you to maintain, than you will practice safer sex with every partner, not just the ones that state that they are HIV-negative.

3. Refusing to acknowledge someone after a date. So maybe he chewed with his mouth open or farted during sex. It doesn’t mean that you should act like he doesn’t exist when you see him in public or online. Worse than that, he’ll think he is only good enough for a 3 a.m. booty call, but not for a hug when you see each other out.

2. Lying about relationship or HIV status. Dishonesty is one of those human qualities that is born out of insecurity, self-importance, and/or a lack of respect for others. I can appreciate how difficult these conversations can be to have with someone and they may cause some form of rejection. At least your integrity will be maintained.

1. Arrogance. We have all felt low self-esteem, especially from growing up queer. Even if we are not that awkward kid anymore, got some counseling, or have covered our pain with muscles and tattoos, don’t think it’s OK to treat others like shit. Remember back to when you weren’t a popular guy. Whatever, queen … get over yourself!