Heal thyself, animal doctor

“I was driving to Springfield, Missouri with a gay zookeeper and an elephant from Denver. An elephant named Dolly. An elephant that would later attack me.”

Sounds like the beginning of a great novel, right? And it should be. But for now it’s just another adventure in the life of veterinarian Jeff Baier. Jeff and his wife, Angela, live in a zoo of their own making in Golden with three dogs, three cats, three fish, four tortoises, one turtle (yes, there is a difference) and one hermit crab. Their son’s room is a revolving animal hospital sanctuary for birds of prey and reptiles. When one walks in, anything from an injured eagle to a bearded lizard might come clawing at you.

Jeff’s elephant story came up while having dinner at the home of our good friends Denise and Dan, last name Queen. Yes, the Queens. I am convinced that Denise married Dan for his last name. Her maiden name was Desmoineaux, not nearly as royal. While having a nice French ring, nobody could ever pronounce it. Now Denise is known as a Queen. And that’s how it should be.

We learned of Jeff’s elephantine experience while discussing how he nearly died this past summer. The assassin was more germ than pachyderm. Jeff and his wife Angela were planning a trip to Africa to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They needed a series of shots in order to enter the malaria-saturated continent. Jeff had been suffering from a summer cold and his immune system was compromised. He went ahead with the shots anyway, just before a busy weekend of soccer with their kids.

On Saturday morning, Jeff was still feeling under the weather so he sent Angela on with the kids to their soccer games. After they left, Jeff’s condition began to worsen. He blamed his profuse sweating and high temperature on the cold he just could not shake. So he lay down in bed, hoping some rest would be the cure. A little rest had worked for many a sick animal in his career.

Angela came home that evening to find Jeff in a near comatose state on the floor. He was both pale and yellow. Angela was sure Jeff had become Golden’s new Typhoid Mary. One of the shots they received contained live typhoid bacteria. Jeff, in a state of delirium, insisted it was just his cold. Angela was having none of that and rushed him to the emergency room.

The doctors later told Angela that if she had waited a few more hours, Jeff would have been dead. Not from typhoid fever, but from a burst appendix. Jeff’s near death experience had nothing to do with his cold, his typhoid shot, or, this time, an elephant. His appendix had exploded, spreading all manner of nastiness into his guts. He spent weeks in the hospital getting it all mopped up. Needless to say, the trip to Africa was nixed.

And that’s how we learned about Jeff’s trip to Springfield, Missouri. With a gay zookeeper. And an elephant named Dolly. An elephant that would later try to kill him. But that is a story for another day.

Ted Haggard is ditching his wife. No surprise. I am amazed it took this long.

But the ditching is only temporary. This attention-seeking, male prostitute-screwing and drug-sniffing Christian pastor has signed up for an episode of Celebrity Wife Swap. I am sure when he heard the words “wife swap” he was all over that like gay on porn.

A chance to ditch the bitch and make the switch? Sweet. Sadly, Haggard learned that the wife swapping was limited to another wife, not another dude. He will be shacking up with Oscar-nominee Gary Busey’s old lady. Another Christian once again demonstrating the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman, and then another man’s wife.

And in other marriage related news, Mexico is considering issuing two-year marriage licenses.

A man and women would marry and at the end of two years, their marriage would expire like a carton of milk. They are then free to marry someone else, or renew their license for another two year stint. Since 50 percent of all marriages in Mexico end within the first two years, this would eliminate all that messy divorce business. If this passes, signing up for a cell phone will be a longer commitment. Don’t say, “I do.”

Just say, “Ole!”