Growing together

IN LOVE WITH A LOOK-ALIKE

Would you be attracted to a clone of yourself? How about a stranger who just happens to look very similar to you? The science is split on whether genetic similarities — or strong genetic differences — affect sexual attraction.

Studies have suggested that differences in genes affecting the Major Histocompatibility Complex, the part of the immune system that recognizes whether to attack something as a disease, contribute to sexual attraction. The findings could mean genetic differences are detectable — subconsciously — in the scent of human sweat, and the chance of sexual attraction goes up when you catch a whiff of someone who’s more genetically different from you. That tendency could be a biological safeguard against incest and give children stronger immune systems, but no one has studied whether it affects same-sex couples as well.

On the other hand, some studies have found evidence that facial similarities increase chances of attraction, which could encourage relationships between people who are more genetically similar — even relatives. In one study, test subjects were unwittingly shown faces that had been digitally blended with their own face, and rated them as more attractive than other random faces (the effect went away if they were told a face had some of their own features). The risk of attraction between biological siblings or family members who were separated at birth and reunite as adults is known as genetic sexual attraction.

I have a favorite people-watching game to play at restaurants: Observing the romantic couples in the dining room, I try to guess what number of dates each pair is on right now. With the help of my willing dinner companions, we study the tables for emotional chemistry and clues that lock down the number.

Tentatively studying the menu? First date. Apprehensive handholding or full-blown flirting? Second and third. After the three-date milestone it’s harder to pin down a number, so my friends and I generalize: they’re “dating” or “in a relationship.”

Skimming over some assumingly long-term couples during a recent round, a trend started to reveal itself. From clothing to mannerisms, these couples seemed to share more than mutual affection — couples in more than the emotional sense. Their body types, clothing, style, mannerisms, perhaps all of the above,
would match.

Sharing this observation with a friend, I expanded beyond independently-shared characteristics. She agreed with my hypothesis but also pointed out that most couples, mostly subconsciously, seem to morph into similar people as the
relationship develops.

Is this part inevitable and instinctive? When you spend more and more time with someone, it seems many aspects of your previously-independent worlds would naturally combine. Shared ideological influences may guarantee similar reactions to events and conversations, while digging deeper into someone’s past may alter one’s look at
the future.

The commitment-phobe in me began to rear its ugly head. Where was the independence? And most importantly, where does it stop? The thought of losing a part of who I was pre-relationship is terrifying.

But then I began to think of everything you would get in return. Giving up a part of your life to another human is scary, and adapting to the relationship is hard. But that’s the beauty and risk of being bonded to another: you lose bits of who you once were, but hopefully — luckily — you will gain so much more in return.