Growing apart

Dear Brent,
I’ve been in my current relationship for more than nine years. When we got together we both fell deeply in love with each other and moved very quickly. Now all this time has passed and I’m not sure why we are still together. There is really nothing too wrong, but we have totally different interests and don’t enjoy spending time together. I feel like he is more like a roommate than a partner. I care about him, but I’m definitely not in love with him. My biggest concern is that we have been together for so long and I’m scared about starting over.

It is common for relationships to change over time. The best situations occur when couples change together in complimentary ways. Many of us have grown up with the idea that there is someone out there who is a perfect match for us … who will complete us and who will be our soul mate forever. Unfortunately those stories are most often works of fiction that don’t translate well to the real world.

As we evolve as individuals throughout life, the core of who we are can remain the same, but our bodies, passions and motivations definitely change. There are so many ways that couples can grow apart. No relationship is without conflict and challenges. When relationships don’t have the passion and positivity to counteract these negative things, they can certainly crumble.

I would suggest first looking at your relationship without the insecurity of your own future. You need to figure out if this relationship is right for you. When we get into relationships, it is because we have found someone that we care about and who enriches our lives. There is a magic time when we decide that getting into a relationship with this person is a good idea. When relationships fail to be beneficial to us, it is time to determine why it isn’t working, change it, or move onto another opportunity. Spend some time thinking about what is really wrong.

A lot of times when someone is violent, promiscuous, or abuses alcohol or drugs, it might be easier for a partner to decide that the relationship is no longer good for him or her. When situations are not so extremely negative, the decision may be harder. If the relationship isn’t horrible then the motivation to leave decreases.

Many people make decisions in their lives using some measurement of fear and discomfort. For those things that can cause a large amount of potential disruption in your life, you may want to weigh out your options more carefully. Making a wrong decision about where to have lunch provides much less of a life impact than deciding to quit your job and move to Hutchinson, Kan.

That being said, fear is one of the most ominous and stifling emotions. It can keep us safe when we are afraid of getting a speeding ticket or driving drunk, but it can definitely stop us from doing things we want to do. When ending a relationship there is an innate fear of losing what you have. And you may begin to wonder if you truly will find something better. You may even fear that you will never find love again. All of these fears are completely reasonable and tend to keep people in an uncomfortable place until the decision is made to face the fear and change the path you are on.

Use your communication skills to talk to your partner. There is a good possibility that he has concerns as well. It is uncommon that one person in a relationship is in bliss while the other is in hell. To repair problems between two people, both parties are required to put the energy into fixing them. One of the most positive and powerful beliefs is that we can achieve what we want if we are willing to put the sweat into accomplishing it.

Sometimes we don’t have the skills to effectively work out relationship issues. There are many tools and techniques from books written on the subject and professionals that are skilled in helping couples navigate rough waters.

At the end of the day, your decision may be to end the relationship and move on to the next chapter in your life. Staying in a long-term situation can be a beautiful accomplishment unless it is miserable to be in. Regardless of the outcome, the goal is that you both be mature and respectful during the ordeal. In these situations where emotions run hot, things can get out of control quickly. Take the time and energy to be thoughtful towards each other through this process.