Give Until It Hurts

… but don’t hurt yourself in the process.

“Hey, Brent. I think I’m better-looking than average and a great catch. I often develop a relationship with someone and have a tendency to give him everything he needs and wants. Unfortunately, when it comes to reciprocation, I’m left completely unfulfilled after I’ve become emotionally bonded. It’s frustrating because people around me don’t seem to care about what I want. How can I find someone who cares about my happiness?”

I can understand the enjoyment of seeing the looks on peoples’ faces when you do something great for them. There are many ways to look at these instances. We may not communicate what we honestly want from situations to other people. Those in our lives may be left to their own perceptions of what they think we want or deserve. Unfortunately, many times they could guess wrong or do something that effectively hurts us and impacts our feelings of fulfillment in the relationship.

Other times, we pick the wrong person for a particular set of expectations and pray that they miraculously transform into that perfect version of what we want them to become.

One of the perils of being so tuned in to others’ needs is that there are times when we lose sight of what fulfills us. Maybe we’ve never taken the opportunity to really discover what turns our crank or makes us contented. Some people grow up with the idea that pleasing other people gains them many things including acceptance, friendship, and favoritism. This can mean losing focus on personal happiness.

Another concern is giving someone everything they want and expecting a particular benefit in return. It’s a similar pitfall when using a bastardized version of the Laws of Attraction, a “law” that can be simplified: “Good things happen to the altruistic by attracting positivity into their lives.” This philosophy can backfire by expecting good things to happen to you only to leave you bitter and demotivated when they don’t. Being a thoughtful and kind person should be its own reward, but we all hope to get something good out of situations. Purchasing Diesel jeans for a friend on his/her birthday will hopefully not be reciprocated with a pair of close-out sweatpants from Walmart.

Take some time to sit back and think about what you’re really trying to accomplish when doing all these things for others. Consider if you’re doing them out of an internal desire to give or if you’re expecting something specific in return. Although these guys are missing out on a good thing, make sure you aren’t trying to bolster your own confidence and self-worth through your attempts to gain their dedication. Take the time to get to know them before giving your heart and a signed contract of love
and devotion.