Getting The Kinks Out

Years ago, when I first heard the term polyamory, I was not familiar with the term, nor did I know anyone personally who was open about their non-monogamous relationship. When I thought of what it could mean back then, I thought of swinging or open relationships, mainly in a sexual sense. At the time, this mindset was pretty common, as societal norms empathize that there is one person out there for you, and it is up to you to find them. However, in the time since my first non-monogamous relationship, there has been a shift in the presence of various relationship dynamics. 

This shift over the past few years is allowing more couples outside of solely patriarchal and religious structures, to have visibility and to also educate those who are open to exploring various dynamics. Ethical non-monogamy is the practice of simultaneously having multiple romantic or sexual partners where everyone involved is aware of and has consented to the relationship structure. 

In short, people who are polyamorous practice non-monogamy. Each relationship, platonic or romantic, can have it’s own specific parameters and dynamics. Not every couple who explores an open-relationship dynamic share the experience together. In some cases, one partner or partners dates outside of the relationship, while the other does not. The beauty in these nontraditional relationship structures is the personalization to love languages, desires, and needs. This elvieates the pressure that one person has to be one’s “everything.”

As someone who took the traditional route in my early dating journey, it wasn’t until my mid 20s that I took a dive in the non-monogamous lifestyle. While I would say that my own emotional capacity has expanded to do so, I do think that being in the non-monogamous realm isn’t for the faint of heart.

A certain level of self-awareness, security, and emotional stability was gained before I ventured out.  Truthfully, when I was not as secure in who I am, my sense of self in dating relied heavily on my partner. For some it is instinctive, and self-confidence regarding romance comes naturally. But for many of us, that trust and inner validation takes time. The process of evolving from that possessive insecure partner to the sexually liberated secure partner I am now, has taken time. 

This journey was not solely emotional but also physical. I get to choose and make consensual, intentional, or intimate connections on my own terms.  When it comes to sexual freedom outside of the monogamous world, this is the line where many are curious to venture to. The kinky lifestyle can be perceived by the outside world in the same lines of polyamory, but they do have their differences. In some cases, people use “kink or kinky” interchangeably with BDSM. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. However, the two can be separate, and not everyone who is kinky practices BDSM or considers it a lifestyle choice. This does allow the space for couples to explore their inner desires and fantasies without emotionally opening up their relationship.

A kink is something that turns you on which you can choose to incorporate into play with your partner or partners. A fetish is a sexual act, scenario, or object which usually is present in order for a person to feel maximally turned on. Sex is still enjoyable without kink or fetishes, but sex can be more fulfilling with them included in and outside of the bedroom. 

For those who appreciate mental stimulation, kink does not always have to involve physical touch. Some people who engage in the practice get turned on intellectually, emotionally, and through voyeurism. This can be done together or separate. Couples who practice swinging, attend sexual play parties, or engage in sexual encounters together or seperate could be under the “open relationship” umbrella term. These couples often have a specific arrangement that allows for sexual or intimacy outside of the relationship within specific boundaries or rules. 

Some of these partnerships include a  “Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell” relationship boundary. In this particular relationship style, there’s an understanding of the connections outside of the centered relationships but the details regarding those experiences are not of interest to the partner. This is different from one partner wanting to pursue non-monogamy and the other not wanting to. 

These factors are important to me in an emotional connection, but they are not always an influence in my physical encounters. In a kinky encounter, each individual has the autonomy to do what works best. Some might be watching, some might be participating, or everyone might be involved. The acts in these experiences do not always lead to further romantic dynamics but can be an outlet for sexual exploration. These dynamics allow me to explore the lines between being desired and having room to explore my own fantasies. The value in being able to provide pleasure, empathy, and friendship allows me to keep each connection I make open to variation. I don’t think of sex as a performative act but rather a collaboration. 

Entering the kinky lifestyle also has changed my perception of body image and what is viewed as “sexy:” In kinky spaces, bodies of all kinds can be appreciated and sometimes even worshiped. The reclamation of my own body after trauma, sexual assault, and through my sex work journey has shown me the power of self-love within my sexuality. My body image has continued to improve the further I dove into less traditional views of sex and relationships. I feel sexy in almost any state; I do not feel afraid to express my needs, wants, or desires. Another factor that is enjoyable in kinky and open-relationships is communication and consent. 

When it comes to my personal experiences as both someone in the kinky lifestyle and non-monogamy realm, I’ve experienced healthy and unhealthy situations. My first experience with non-monogamy was with two partners in a pre-existing relationship who wanted a closed triad or throuple dynamic. This relationship ultimately showed me what it meant to be non-monogamous but non-ethically. The hierarchical structure of this relationship let me know that I prefer building my open-partnerships without steep hierarchical structures. 

In a perfect world, relationships between partners would be emotionally and sexually equal. But that is definitely not always the case. In my experience, relationship equity sets more of a precedent than relationship “equality.” What this means to me is that, based on the relationship structure, life experiences such as sharing a home, children, or even financial responsibilities that an existing relationship might take more tending to in various periods.

My relationships are not defined by my partners’ experiences with others but by my experiences with my partners. The idea of the “missing puzzle piece’’ can be an exhausting feat. It is not entirely our fault, as we are shown we have to seek a partner since adolescence. Not just a partner, but someone who is your soulmate, who completes us. Consent is a priority in kink spaces, and safety is a priority to me. 

While I know that non-monogamy and kink isn’t for everyone I do think it is worth exploring, but at your own emotional capacity’s discretion. I do think that it’s greatly improved my own views on love, sex, and partnerships.