Getting in the mood to be social

Dear Brent,

My social skills are not at the level I want them to be to connect with people. I’ve been reading your column for a long time and you are always pushing people to meet up in person to develop friendships and relationships, but I don’t feel that I have the confidence to even begin trying to connect. What suggestions do you have to get me started?

I grew up an extremely awkward, introverted kid with questionable self-esteem. Unfortunately it carried into most of my early adulthood. I was jealous of people who seemed to navigate social encounters, surrounded by great friends, existing in their environments without looking uncomfortable. Eventually I learned that not only was I not alone, I could work to acquire social skills to connect and feel better about my life.

There are many perspectives about how to do this. In my experiences, your mindset approaching difficult or uncomfortable situations is one of the most important aspects determining the outcome. Here are some suggestions to get your head in a good place before your mouth opens.

A good technique when feeling stress or anxiety when socializing is simply to breathe. Without oxygen, your body doesn’t function correctly and the stress can cause an increasing cycle of internal freak–out. Take in a few deep breaths; with every full exhale, envision that the feelings of being a socially–awkward dude are leaving your body. With every inhale, replace those insecure thoughts and perceptions with the energy of confidence about who you are, your interests, and that you’re a rockin’ person. Not only will this help replace negative thoughts and feelings, but slow your body and mind down. You can do this in the car, outside a building, in a bathroom stall or covertly within a group of people. Slowing your breathing, heart rate, and racing thoughts can help you avoid showing anxiety or discomfort.

Your mindset has an impact on your body language, including how you stand, look at others and whether you clench your jaw. A composure that comes from feeling insecure puts out a non-verbal “stay away” to others around you, misinterpreted as standoffish or arrogant. It can reinforce your feelings of being socially undesirable and unsuccessful since people are thinking you don’t like them. Always remember that we all have our insecurities. Most people are insecure about something, though some are better than others at covering it up. You can use the fact to your advantage by reminding yourself that we all struggle with finding our place in the universe.

A positive mindset will benefit you more than any cheesy pickup line or gimmick. There are almost no guarantees about anything in this world, but getting your mind and body in alignment before challenging yourself to be social is a great idea. I will keep providing tips and tricks in helping people become more successful engaging socially. Keep in mind that before any of these skills are truly effective, you’ll have to take care of the awkward kid that lives in all of us.