Gender Not Listed : Not Queer Enough? A Nonbinary Perspective

Where it All Began

About five years ago, I started my thesis on nonbinary identity. Even though I am a part of that community, I had no real idea of what I’d learn from other nonbinary folx. A true introvert, I tend to keep to myself—So I set out to talk to other members of my community and find out what their experiences looked like. In total, I did 18 lengthy interviews with some of the most beautiful and fascinating people I’ve ever met from all over the Washington, D.C. and Baltimore area, and they schooled me in what I needed to know. 

Partly therapeutic catharsis, partly educational, these folx gave me the latest in struggles and triumphs our people were dealing with. One of the topics they were most passionate about was how nonbinary people are viewed as “not trans enough.” In the same way that bisexual people are marginalized in the queer community for not being ‘gay’ enough, it seems nonbinary folx are also experiencing marginalization at the hands of our own people. One of my participants, Brant says, “You’re not trans enough to go to trans things, but you also don’t fit in anywhere (else).” Apparently, we even get called “trans-trenders,” which is a damn shame because it means that transmedicalists are perpetuating the same harmful gender practices as cis people. 

Sara explains this phenomenon succinctly: “I feel like in the current climate it is not acceptable to debate someone’s sexuality, but it is still acceptable to debate trans-ness.”

Before you get all up in arms, we are not coming for trans binary people! All of my participants expressed the utmost support for binary trans folx, or people who were assigned one gender at birth and now identify with another gender. This conversation was geared at people who fit a term I’d never heard before: transmedicalists.

Transmedicalism

What is a transmedicalist? In essence, a transmedicalist is someone who believes that in order to be considered “trans,” one must experience body dysphoria (feeling like you were born in the wrong body) and be making moves to medically transition. And since many nonbinary folx consider themselves trans because they don’t neatly identify with their given gender, this increases feelings of non-belonging. What a bummer! We already have trouble with society at large; we don’t need to battle it out with our fellow queers. We’re all valid, friends.

Some believe in theory that every person, even people who identify with their assigned gender, is nonbinary. This is rooted in the understanding that the way we express gender is constantly changing (new normals, all the time), that gender norms are different from culture to culture, and considering those factors—No person ever fits perfectly in idealized genders. Certainly, we have people who come close, but no one man or woman will model all desired traits. Of course, this is something many people will take issue with. To read more about this theory, check out Judith Roof’s book What Gender Is, What Gender Does. 

The straights are just getting their heads wrapped around non-heterosexuality, and it is no surprise that gender is really throwing them for a loop. As you would expect, it is easier for them to understand moving from one concrete gender to the other, and we see it with people like Laverne Cox or Caitlyn Jenner. Both of these people identify solidly as women, so even if you can’t understand why, you can probably understand the general concept. As my participant Charlie says, “Gender is how others see you.” What they meant, I think, was that we are going to be treated in the way that we are seen by others, and others like boxes. So more often than not, it is others that are gendering you when you’re out there living your life. As Oz put it, 

“Your average liberal on the street is going to be a lot more supportive of a binary trans person than a nonbinary trans person… Because a binary trans person doesn’t, like, shake the foundations of gender as an infallible system—It’s a simple mislabeling (in the eyes of cis people). It’s not that gender is just a crock of shit; it was just incorrect for that specific person, and the mistake has been rectified, and gender can go on working fine.”

Trying to Find the Fit

One thing I thought was interesting in the interview process was learning that many of the participants tried to make a binary transition before moving to “center of center” (as Les described themself). Many folx attempted the change to “the other side” but eventually found being in that gender box as limiting as being in their original box. Some didn’t feel they could fully binarily transition because they had the ability to pass as cis and didn’t necessarily want to change their appearance drastically. There were even some who recognized that passing as a man afforded them certain privileges. 

And let’s not forget people who are bigender, genderfluid, agender folx and others. Bigender and genderfluid peeps tend to oscillate between feminine and masculine, while agender and like identities do not recognize man or woman as something that would work for them—Either way, these folx would not fit into the binary boxes at all times or ever. People with disabilities are often excluded from fitting in any neat gender category, even cis ones, because of their bodies, and same with fat folx (self-described). Many neurodivergent people don’t even conceive of gender in a standard way, so they too have their own expressions.  

“I feel like if I was not fat and had never been fat, it would have been easier for me to accept a binary gender… and I feel like I can’t perform a gender role properly no matter what it is, and no matter what I’m never going to achieve ‘the ideal’ of anything.”

When asked how they would label themselves or describe their gender, I got some awesome answers: “Dyke-tomboi-dom,” “gendervoid,” and even jokingly, “Boise Idaho” (which actually conjured a great image for me). It’s unlikely that the straighties are going to use these terms when describing anyone, thinking it to themselves or not. In their minds, we are just a man or woman, generally gay, or even a derogatory term they’d use to describe what they don’t understand or when we don’t fit one of the aforementioned categories. Sometimes, though, we have educated allies who know to ask or at the very least, not assume what we are.

What Does All this Mean?

As far as being trans enough, it is for no one to judge. The biggest lesson I have learned by being a part of the queer community is to use people’s own terms to describe them and show basic human decency. I might not understand it, but their terms and descriptions are not for me. They are for them. I’m a part of the community, but new terms come out all the time with younger crowds, and sometimes I don’t immediately understand the distinctions from what they are doing vs. what I thought already existed. If you are confused, we are not as militant as we sometimes appear about our names and pronouns, and lots of people are OK with you asking. The effort counts, people! 

Not being trans enough is a preposterous take on people who clearly belong to the queer community. If we say we are trans, (and not just some frat boy trying to make an asinine point), we are trans. If we say simply nonbinary, that’s OK too. All this to say, gender is weird and flexy. Nothing works for everyone, but we do need to respect everyone. Unless they’re a Nazi; then you can punch them. 

*These topics were introduced to me with near fervor by the folx I spoke to, and these are just some of the many perspectives they held. It will of course not be representative of all nonbinary people, but definitely worth thinking about in our ongoing discussion of gender.*

Photo courtesy of the author