‘Gay sex 101’ for straight guys and lesbians

By Berlin Sylvestre

For nearly all of my life, men have comprised the majority of my friends: Gay, straight, bisexual and (believe it or not) asexual. I’ve been everything from the tomboy BFF who’ll play hacky sack in the park with you for three “straight” hours (heh), to the beard you bring home at Christmas so your parents won’t ask why you don’t have a girlfriend.

Yet my gay guy friends and my straight guy friends tend to be separate groups — we don’t all hang out together. I brought that up to one of my straight guy buddies and he said, “Why? Do you think I’m gonna ask offensive questions?” I flatly rejected that idea and was met promptly with: “I might have some questions, actually.”

Naturally, I armed myself with his questions and ventured out to a coffee shop in Midtown, where my favorite gay duo (Steve and Owen) sipped, laughed and answered with gusto. Here’s what transpired:

Why do gay guys identify as top or bottom? Why wouldn’t they just be both?

Steve: Many of us actually do like both! We call this preference “versatile” or “switch.” Some guys may prefer to top or bottom exclusively, it just depends. There’s also a social stigma to being a bottom in some circles, so that can affect people. Some guys will claim to be total tops when in reality, you get them in the bedroom and it’s all about the booty — theirs!

Owen: I really like the rush of being dominated, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy giving. Having an orgasm while getting topped is incredible! Stimulate that prostate and I can [have an orgasm] without the physical release.
If a top finds himself falling in love with a guy only to learn that the guy is also a top, would the match be off?

O: There are couples that are top/top and bottom/bottom. A couple we know are both tops, so they have oral sex all the time. They also have really sensual moments with each other. When they want that little something extra that a bottom provides, they look together for a willing addition who’s up for a threesome.

S: Generally, if there’s an emotional connection, you’ll figure out something. I think most gay guys are at least partially versatile. There is also some truth to guys who identify as tops being more
attracted to those who identify as bottoms and vice versa.

Are top/bottoming preferences indicators of other personality traits? For example, if a guy is a bottom, is he submissive/passive in general?

O: This is only partly true. On one hand, you can often see a correlation between passive/active personalities and their sexual specifics, but that doesn’t mean everyone fits this stereotype. I have a buddy who’s a really gruff, masculine biker. I played with him a while back and I thought for sure he was a top from his demeanor, but when we got to fooling around, he laid down and wanted me to treat him quote “like a [b-word]!”

S: I remember him! Yeah, profiling guys based on their sexual preference is not an exact science. Google the term ‘power bottom’ for an eye-opener.

Are there gay guys who don’t like anal play?

S: Yes, plenty. Some stick to just oral sex and some stick to their particular fetishes.

O: For the first six months, we didn’t do any anal and neither of us felt at a loss. We took our time and enjoyed everything about one another except that. Even now we don’t do that very much.

S: Gay sex is a lot more than penetration. Anal sex is just a small portion of the entire sexual experience. And anyway, relationships always involve compromise.

Are there other types of gays apart from twinks and bears? 

Bear: A larger, hairy gay man.

Twink: A slim, hairless, young gay man.

Chaser: Someone who is not a bear, but is sexually interested in bears.

Chub: Someone with a little extra weight who may or may not be hairy.

Cub: A younger bear with a smaller frame, typically.

Otter: A slender, muscular guy with body hair.

Fox: A slender man with some body hair who is involved in bear culture.

Daddy Bear: An older bear.

Panda Bear: The rare Asian bear.

Polar Bear: A bear with white hair.

Pocket bear: A short bear.

Wolf: A muscular bear.