Friendship in the face of change

From early childhood we learn friendships are among the most important relationships in our lives, providing support in bad times and laughter in good times. But people change and friendships do too.

After high school and college, the workplace was a new opportunity to make friends, and that’s where I met Sofia. She had the face of a movie star and the mouth of a sailor. She reminded me of the popular girls I didn’t get to run with before.

I decided I had to force her to be my new best friend.

Our crappy job set us up to bond. There was no other person I’d rather whine to about stupid people and even stupider supervisors than Sofia. We had a knack for making each other laugh at the expense of those around us – our malicious sense of humor made me finally feel like one of the popular kids. It didn’t matter if we came off like the catty girls of the office.

When I found out there was a chance I could be HIV positive, I knew Sofia, being one tough woman, could handle my intensity – I had no doubt she’d have my back. On the day I got my confirmatory test, I called her and she immediately came over. But instead of a friend who came to be supportive, she seemed quiet and awkward. Neither of us knew what to say in the face of something so big.

I decided to take a week off to cope with the bad news and during that time I didn’t hear from Sofia at all. When I returned, I made my way over to her cubicle hoping to return to the familiar bitching about whatever we could.

Of course the one thing I wanted to bitch about most was HIV. I tried talking about how hard the week had been and how totally scared I was feeling. Sofia didn’t have much to say. I needed her, as my best friend, to acknowledge what I was going through — some empathetic comment.

Instead, she changed the topic and complained about her husband.

Something between us had changed. Normally, when she complained about her marriage, I would validate her every thought, but this time I felt awkward and started to feel bad for her husband. I realized petty conversations had been the cornerstone of our friendship the whole time – something so seriously serious as HIV had no place in our rapport.

Our friendship took a nosedive. The more I wanted to talk about my HIV diagnosis, the more she pulled away. And the more Sofia wanted to talk about how much she hated everyone else, the more I pulled away too. I didn’t want to criticize and mock others anymore. I didn’t want to spend my time focused on negativity.

It wasn’t long before Sofia found another office mate who loved criticizing people as much as I once did. I watched as someone shiny and new slowly took my place. My heart mourned the confusing loss of a friend who, for years, made me laugh so hard. But perhaps it wasn’t Sofia who changed on me, but me who changed on her.