Free Love Means All Love: The Aromantic Spectrum

It’s February, and romance is in the air! Well, for some. 

As we approach Valentine’s Day, with abundant conversions surrounding relationships and romance, we also look ahead to Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week, from February 21-25. For many aromantic people, this time of year is a reminder that we are different from other people, that we often seek out different things from our lives and relationships than most.

So, as many folks relish in the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings of February, I implore you to take a little detour into the world of aromanticism and what it can mean for folks falling on that spectrum.

Aromanticism is a lesser talked about romantic orientation which describes folks whose experience surrounding romantic attraction is disconnected from society’s expectations, often with fleeting, little, or no romantic attraction.

It’s important here to note that there are different kinds of attraction and love—Romance is just a facet. So, it might be helpful here to distinguish the meaning of romantic love: It’s more specific, referring to an intense attraction involving an idealization of the other person, usually within an erotic context, featuring intimacy and passion prominently, usually involving a desire for a many-faceted connection.

When folks think of aromantic people, they often wrongly associate the orientation with a certain coldness or heartlessness, though again, romantic attraction is just one type, and not experiencing romantic attraction isn’t an indication of personality. Aromanticism doesn’t determine a person’s ability to feel love or attraction to another person.

For example, sexual attraction: Aromantic people can be asexual, but many are not. Just because a person is aromantic does not mean they aren’t sexually attracted to other people or don’t want to have sex.

There’s physical attraction, a desire to be around others, to be physically cared for, to be treated with affection. It’s a desire for physical and spacial contact within relationships, sexual and non-sexual. Similarly, emotional attraction is the want to be emotionally present with others. You want to share the things you are feeling with this person, and you have an investment in how they feel (aside from partners, think friends, parents, children, siblings, even pets).

Many aromantic people embrace these relationships and attractions which, even without romance, can ensure a life full of love. For anyone, some of our most important and love-filled relationships might be fully detached from romance.

Even aesthetic attraction stands apart, not inherently sexual or physical—Think of being in public and seeing a person walk down the street and just feeling drawn to that person, thinking they look good, being intrigued by how they show up in the world. While it could come with other feelings, it’s similar to seeing an eye-catching car or an interesting piece of art.

Some aromantic people don’t pursue partnerships at all, prioritizing other relationships in their lives, though it’s important to note that many just approach it differently. Partnerships might be akin to friendships, usually with a higher level of intimacy and commitment, just without being romantic in nature (sometimes called quasi-platonic or queerplatonic relationships). 

Aromantic folks might prioritize chosen families and friendships, and many embrace principles of relationship anarchy, which encourage people to let their own values and goals guide how people craft their relationships rather than focusing on societal norms to dictate this. This might mean a partnership that has equal importance to the relationships with one’s platonic friends and family members, or a live-in partnership or co-parenting among platonic friends. The possibilities are abundant.

Aromantic folks might experience romantic attraction only after forming more intimate, emotional bonds; they might only experience romantic attraction when it’s reciprocated, with that attraction only to vanish if it isn’t; some aromantic people very rarely experience romantic attraction but have before; many aromantic people, who have yet to experience romantic attraction, still might have an openness for that opportunity to pursue a romantic relationship, should those feelings arise.

And often, the misconceptions around aromanticism come with this idea that a romantic partnership is a necessary element of the human experience, crucial for folks to be able to have a happy life. This is, plainly, a harmful belief for everyone. It often encourages people to enter or stay in unhealthy relationships or to distance themselves from others in their lives with the aim of maintaining a romantic relationship.

So, while February and Valentine’s Day are fine times to resonate in feelings of romance, it’s also an important reminder of the varied lived experiences we all have surrounding these conversations, which we often miscode as necessarily and crucial human need for all people. 

Maybe, as we pass through February, this time can act as an invitation to any and all folks to continue growing with others in an authentic and affirming way for them, not shaped by the expectations and structures of society.