Forgetting childhood lessons

Hey Brent,

So many people in our community seem so thoughtless and mean when interacting with other people. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a bar or online — people are just so rude! They do things like not respond to messages or talk crap behind your back. I wasn’t raised to treat people like this and I’m always surprised when people act in these ways. Why are gay men so unkind?

I wish I had the definitive answer to this. I find it surprising how often we lose some of the important lessons we learned growing up, especially regarding how to interact with other people. Many of the wonderful values of treating people with compassion, respect, and friendship are often stomped out by our desire to climb social ladders or link up with the hottest guy. I think our parents would be ashamed if they knew we were taking what they taught us and disregarding them by treating people badly.

Most of us weren’t raised with the belief that it’s acceptable not to live up to our promises or expectations. This happens many times in the gay world when people let us down by not showing up for dates or cancelling at the last minute with a half-baked excuse. There are also situations when someone expresses they’re interested in hanging out, but have no intention of following through. Honesty and integrity are two characteristics often lacking with these people. Most times their attitudes and behaviors point to their own insecurities and developments of negative habits. Unfortunately, it’s often nice people who are hurt by their thoughtlessness or rudeness.

Some enjoy the power trip of being in a higher pecking order than we may have experienced when we were younger. Instead of remembering what it felt like to be on the outside looking in at people having good friends and a lot of fun, we may decide to trade these lonely memories for hurtful behaviors that make us feel better about our current situation or past insecurities. Some complain that we exist in a series of cliques. In societies, we all have the tendency to link up with people we feel comfortable with. Having a core group of buddies is different from creating a group to directly exclude someone from  your exclusive social club. The force-field surrounding some groups of people seem impenetrable and some enjoy feeling the power from being in it. It’s like a “mean girl” movie playing out in real life.

Our humanity doesn’t have to get lost in the social, dating, and hookup aspects of the world — it doesn’t matter if interactions happen in person or from the latest tech. Don’t forget that there is a real human on the receiving end of whatever you’re giving and not just some lifeless mound of hamburger. Most of us are quick to complain when these things happen and become upset about the state of the gay union, but turn around and do these things to others. Don’t forget those basic, wonderful lessons. Be conscious of existing as a thoughtful person, not a self-important individual singularly focused on getting your own needs met at the expense of others. Spend your time surrounding yourself with good people who’ve incorporated the lessons of thoughtfulness and responsible living into their lives instead of focusing your attention on those who aren’t going to be respectful of you.