Fluffer of the imperial jewels

Titles. We all have them, whether we know it or not.

You’re a mister, miss, doctor, dentist. You’re a realtor, attorney, board member, stripper.

Underneath the name of your business card, you have a title. What does yours say? Some titles are earned, some we go to school for, some we win in contests.

I was reminded of this when I recently saw someone  – Sir Justing Eddy – wearing a sash. He was the current reigning Mr. … International … Deaf … Leather … 2011. That’s like five titles in one. Talk about the subgroup of a subgroup. I had no idea the leather community could get so specialized. I was surprised they could fit all that on the front of one sash.

I have collected quite a few titles on my short time on this planet. Twenty-nine years if you count them in drag years. (Take your real age, multiply by 0 and add 29). Queen Mother Director of the Denver Cycle Sluts, Mr. Colorado Gay Rodeo Association 2002, Noodles & Company Asparagus Queen, Mr. International Gay Rodeo Association 2003, Miss Denver County Fair 2011 (the latest tiara on my wig), President of the SQREAM Scooter Club, Hostess for RSVP Vacation Cruises and Project Angel Heart Board Member.
You probably have a few as well if you take the time to list them. We define who we are by our titles whether they are bestowed upon us or we make them up ourselves. It’s a form of self-expression.

Each year the Imperial Court of the Rocky Mountain Empire holds coronation, and if you want to hear some long-ass and hot-winded titles, it’s the event to be at.

The announcement of titles can go on for HOURS. “Please welcome to the stage, Miss So-And-So, Legend of the Hornless Unicorn, Sweeper of the Shattered Crystal, Fluffer of the Imperial Jewels, Coiffer of the Bubonic Bouffant, the Ruby, Diamond, Sapphire, Emerald, Jujube Empress of the Court of Gummi Bears,  Lemon Drops and Rainbow Kisses.” And that’s one of the short ones. Bless their hearts.

How we show off our titles comes in so many forms. You can find them on badges, sashes, buckles, crowns, monuments, gravestones, tattoos, nameplates and Olympic gold

medals. Some titles, like husband or wife, are worn on a finger. And some just remain in our hearts, for only us to know and cherish, like “BFF.”

Some titles are temporary like “Tag, you’re it!” while others remain on your permanent record, like “felon.” Some titles you chase after like pots of gold at the end of the rainbow and others you try to cast off, like you just stepped in doo-doo.

Take a minute and reflect upon the titles in your life. You’ll be surprised at how many you have. In fashion, it’s all about the accessories. And in life, titles are a self-defining accessory of who you are, were, or will be.

I recently performed up at Wyoming Equality’s big gay campout, Rendezvous. More than 300 gays and lesbians hauled their tents and RVs into Medicine Bow National Forest between Cheyenne and Laramie for five days of wilderness fun.

One of the highlights is the leather workshop put on every year. You can learn about proper bondage knots, the best way to place and rip off a clothespin and the importance of a safeword. A safeword is the word to use when you want someone to stop what they are doing.

Comedian Nancy Norton performed on Friday night and she came up with a couple of very useful safewords. The first was “washing machine.” Screaming out washing machine in the middle of sex is bound to stop everything. Then Nancy came up with an even better safeword. “Mullet.” Mullet will just about make anything hard go limp. Whether it’s the haircut or the fish.

So next time you find yourself wanting to get out of sticky situation at the Denver Swim Club, just scream out “Washing machine!” or “Mullet!” I guarantee you will bring all the hot action to a complete and befuddled stand still.

Nuclia Waste can be reached at http://NucliaWaste.com.