Flirting 101

Dear Shanna,

Here’s the deal: I want to be good at flirting. I mean, I get the basics — a little eye contact, a little smile, don’t be a jerk — but after that, I am totally lost.
Any tips?

Flirting with a Fear of Flirting in Centennial.

Dear Flirting,

A great topic, and one I’ve never covered before, so way to keep it fresh.

Flirting is actually incredibly tricky, especially if you’re not naturally extroverted and/or outgoing (or if you naturally happen to be an ass). It takes some thought and intentionality about your game plan, as well as a lot of assessing and reassessing to figure out what works best for any given situation.

First and foremost, be authentic to yourself. If you’ve got a dry, witty sense of humor, trying to be flirtatious with a pop culture joke is not going to be your forte. Conversely, if you’re not a drinker, opening by offering to buy him a drink might wind up feeling a little awkward. There are ways to be completely yourself and still be fantastically flirty, so find them instead of trying to be someone you just aren’t.

If you’re trying to flirt with someone you don’t know, make sure you start out light and easy — you can always bump it up another level, but if you come on too strong to start with, it’s definitely harder to tone it down. Add a little eye contact, a smile, maybe place yourself in a better line of sight, or move closer to them without appearing too aggressive or invading of their space. Rudeness is not sexy. If you get a smile or some eye contact, you can take it forward to saying hello, complimenting them, or striking up a conversation. However, if you get a polite decline or they clearly aren’t interested, move on and don’t push it. Most people like someone saying something nice to them, even if they aren’t interested, but no one likes a pushy or harassing jerk who just won’t put it down and walk away.

On the other hand, if they compliment you back, engage in the conversation, model their muscles for you, or twirl their hair, you’ve got game on. Keep being true to yourself. If you’re an awkward nerd like me, ask what books they’ve read or drop a useless fact about how tomatoes need a certain temperature to develop lycopene (this is true; feel free to borrow it). If you’re a bit more smooth, perhaps just say what comes naturally. Keep it up as long as you like, but if you’re just flirting for the fun of it, make sure to let them know so you’re both on the same page.

Already know your flirting partner? Send some fun and light-hearted text messages, or leave a loving sticky note in their favorite book or on their laptop keys. Plan a date where you can stare into each others’ eyes or play footsie under the table. Brush up against them when you’re leaving the house, or help them put their jewelry on while breathing gently on their neck. Sometimes, in established relationships, the fun is so much more in the anticipation, so make it last!

Best of luck!

Shanna