Being Fem + Poly or Bi

For women who identify strongly with their feminine sides, but also identify as bisexual and/or polyamorous, the world can be a place filled with ugly stereotypes, negative perceptions, and assumptions. However, wanting to date men and women at the same time is as valid a form of sex and love expression as anything else, and the queer community and straight communities could both use some schooling on a few of these stigmas. Here are a few of the biggest assumptions made about poly and bi women, and why they just aren’t valid.

Bi women — especially those with husbands or boyfriends — are just trolling for “unicorns” or “doing it for the guy.”

It’s a huge misconception that because a bi woman is married to or seriously dating a guy, she must just be looking for a girlfriend because her boyfriend wants a third, or because he thinks it’s hot. Of course, it’s possible that this has been the case for some person at some point in time, but thinking this in general is incredibly offensive to how a woman identifies and sees herself in general. Plenty of femme, bi women pursue poly relationships with a woman, or another man, outside of their relationship with their primary male partner. This is not uncommon. In fact, believe it or not, there are a great deal of bi and poly women who aren’t even interested in threesomes or in being in a triad relationship.

All single, bi femmes are down
to be “your unicorn.”

She’s single and has an OKCupid profile, and it says she is bi; she must want to rendezvous with you and your wife at Mon Chalet for a night of love. Get rid of this line of thought ASAP: It’s pretty much as bad as the one that goes: “She’s here at a bar and wearing something cute; she must want to have sex with a guy.” Not all bi girls want to date or sleep with a couple, and not even all bi, poly women do, either. Take care when approaching someone, and realize bi, poly women get hit up with these kinds of requests all the time.

Poly relationships with two girls
and one guy can’t work.

Whether it’s because of the stigmas associated with Mormons and polygamous unions that can be oppressive to women, or because of the above issues have lead people to believe that all couples trolling for women are creepy and objectifying, triads with two girls and one guy have gotten a bad rap. This is just as valid of a relationship as anything else, and can be super healthy and fulfilling, just like any other consenting adult relationship. As long as all partners discuss things openly and are aware of boundaries to dispel any jealousy, and as long as the men involved understand that there are a lot of sexist implications to even every male and female paired relationship, poly triads can be successful and empowering to women as well as men.

Femme, bi women are a world apart
from “femmes” and lesbians.

Many lesbians seem afraid to date bi women because of the stigma that they are another breed. Yes, it may be true that because they have lived part of their life “passing” by being in straight relationships, they aren’t quite as familiar with queer culture as lesbians may be. It may also be true that they aren’t quite as sexually or otherwise experienced with women. But bi women have just as genuine a desire to date women as they do to date men, and writing them off because they play for both teams means missing out on some awesome people by making assumptions or generalizations.

Femme, bi women have to have “both.”

This assumption is just as damaging to bi or pansexual women. The stereotype that a guy shouldn’t date a bi woman because she will always crave both genders is heteronormative and doesn’t really make sense — it’s no different than saying that someone with one gender preference will always be looking elsewhere. This can be especially hurtful for someone who has been poly before. Just because a woman has dated two people at once in the past, or likes both genders, that doesn’t mean she’s incapable of maintaining a monogamous relationship.

A femme bi and/or poly girl can’t possibly
just want to be your platonic gal pal. 

Last of all is the assumption that bi women are out to rope every gal pal into some sordid sex adventure. The meme going around that states there are no friends for bi people, only prey, is hilarious, but hits pretty close to home, as there are many who actually think this. Not only do bi, femme women possess the capability to have platonic friendships with both genders, they need friends like everyone else. Thinking along these lines is not much better than assuming any straight girl with a cute guy friend must automatically be interested in him.