Fashion queen

Denver is not the fashion capitol of the world. Pretty much every day is casual Friday. Ties are something we use to close our tortilla bags, not something we choke around our necks.

But that may be changing. Mondo Guerra put Denver in the couture spotlight by nearly winning Project Runway. And whatever happened to that season’s winner, old What’s Her Name? Have you heard anything about her since? Me neither.

I was very excited to attend this year’s Red Ball, a fashion and hair runway show to benefit the Colorado AIDS Project at the EXDO Events Center. Mr. Waste presented a mayoral proclamation from Michael Hancock, honoring World AIDS Day. Much to my delight, we were seated in the front row just a couple of fashionistas away from Mondo himself.

Before we left the house that Sunday evening, Mr. Waste took one look at my outfit and said, “Surely, you are not wearing THAT.” And I was all like, “Surely, I am.”

“You know you cannot wear white past Labor Day. Besides, it’s the Red Ball,” he instructed me.

“And that’s exactly why I am going to do it,” I informed him. Knowing that I have somehow offended the sensibilities of Mr. Waste generally means I am headed down the right track. In all fairness, I did have two splashes of red – a red scarf and red suede shoes. It’s always about the accessories and they made my white shirt and white pants that much whiter. When I arrived, I was a Coca-Cola polar bear in a sea of crimson. Perfect.

I’ve never sat in the front row of a fashion show before. And this runway stage was tall. Very tall. Our eyes were in perfect horizontal alignment with the stage floor. If a model had a French manicured toe, or a corn, we were going to know. What we noticed is that most designers never checked the bottoms of their models’ shoes. Many still had the stickers on them. Trés tacky. We really don’t need to know the size of a shoe or that they came from Payless. And at least one pair did. Seriously.

With 18 designers and 18 hair studios participating, I really don’t have room in this column to give you a critique of each one. But trust me, I could. So instead I give you …

Top 5 Things I Learned at the Red Ball Fashion Show

1. Underwear and cummerbunds do not mix. Can we say stupid?
2. Underwear and suspenders do not mix. Can we say wedgie?
3. Moles on models are not pretty. Break out the Pan Stick, please.
4. Are beige shoes back? We saw so many. Blech and boring!
5. Lace can be sexy. But when done wrong, your line looks like
The Best Little Dumpy Whorehouse in Texas.

Clearly there were some winners in the show. Gabriel Conroy with the Matthew Morris Salon had a zipper dress that was killer. Mona Lucero with J. Audrey Hair Studio pulled off an amazing collection I labeled “Asian Delish.” And the event did save the best for last. D’Lola with Studio: A Collective of Stylists had a stunning finish that I can only describe as “Vampire Victorian meets Scarlet O’Hara.” Congrats to all the designers and hair studios that donated their time and talents to make the Red Ball an amazing success for CAP.

The Colorado Gay Rodeo Association held their annual royalty competition the same weekend as Red Ball. And so I give you …

Top 5 Things I Learned at the CGRA Night of Sharing & Royalty Competition

1. You know you’re going to have a fun night when someone pulls out
the inflatable sheep.
2. When the on-stage question takes 10 minutes to read over the microphone,
it’s no longer a question. It’s a Wikipedia page.
3. Pink Western shirts are clearly leftovers from the ’80s. The 1880s.
4. Wearing mistletoe and a dove in your hair wins the award for
“Best Partridge In A Queer Tree.”
5. Your fake tits should never be bigger than your head.