Falling into forgiveness

Just today, I was asked my thoughts on the latest happenings in Syria: the kidnappings, the effects on Beirut and Lebanon as a whole, and the effects on me as a Lebanese woman in the States. I wasn’t asked the specifics of what’s going on or for a play-by-play of the last few weeks, but more so, I was asked, “Why are so many people over there so crazy, so angry? How does it affect you?”

It wasn’t asked in a mean way, but in a genuine, earnest, “please help shine some light” way. You’ve probably at some point asked yourself the same thing when hearing of the news coming out of the Mid-East. I know I have.

I am certainly no expert on the subject, and I know that the answers to those questions are broad, deep, and heavy. But in the nutshell of human emotion, I believe it’s because these wars and disagreements have been raging for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. You can imagine what that does to a person.

In a country as young as the United States, it’s hard to comprehend what it’s like to have a seemingly endless personal history of watching the people you love and need the most get killed or crippled (physically and otherwise) for generations. To watch the place you are from and have pride in get destroyed year after year before your eyes. It becomes part of your DNA.

Not to in any way minimize the damage violence plays in U.S. It’s equally atrocious. In the Mid-East, though, there is the common thread that goes back to our father’s father’s father and mother’s mother’s mother. The family roots in those specific global locations are so old and so immersed.

Keep in mind, of course, the obvious – it is not everyone or even most people who are so violent; just like anywhere, it’s the loud handful. But over there is a palpable sense of avenging the suffering that’s been done to one’s lineage. An eye for an eye, a crime for a crime. It’s the ultimate grudge.

It’s hard not to wonder if those engaged fully understand where it started for them and with whom. How the story’s been told. Was it just something taught since day one? Is it something they base on what they witness every day?

Do they have anyone to show them a different path? Without the concept and encouragement of forgiveness in the dialogue of one’s life, is it even an option? I have no idea.

Enacting forgiveness (or not) is the nexus of most problems — forgiving ourselves and/or someone else. Not doing so only chains us to our pain. It’s like there’s this disconnect between desperately needing forgiveness, but struggling to be able to forgive others. As though it’s natural to desire it and natural to resist it.

If I’ve learned one thing the hard way, it’s that forgiveness is not something we can beg for or ever talk someone into.  That’s based in shame and guilt. I’ve known so many beautiful people who are spending or have spent years (myself included) trying to pull forgiveness from someone, only to find out it doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness has to be offered, chosen, given (it’s part of the word, after all).

For several years, I was close to someone whom I witnessed daily holding so much vengeance in his heart toward someone he believed had done him wrong. It consumed him. There was no freedom, and the only person that was really being punished was himself. We are really the victims of not offering forgiveness, I think.

Shit, I’ve made some critical mistakes, and there are a couple people in my life that I’d like forgiveness from, but I have nothing to do with whether or not that happens. It’s not my choice, and it never will be. Grudges eat at the spirit; they’re heavy and deeply depleting. They’re rooted solely in resentment, and we can’t ever be free holding on to that weight.

The struggle to never forgive, to forgive, and to crave forgiveness can be so narrow or so broad in scope. From social, political, and religious wars to the wars we wage on ourselves in our hearts, it’s hard to escape the cycle. And while it might not seem like it, holding on to pain and feeling vengeance toward those who’ve played a part is the easy path. Ghandi said it clearly: “Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.” ]

M.N. can be reached at mns.outfront@gmail.com.