Exploring Kink Without Cheating

Hey, Brent.

I’ve experimented with some kinky stuff in the past, but it hasn’t been part of my current relationship. When I talk about some of these things turning me on, my boyfriend calls me a freak and has no interest in experimenting with me. He said he would absolutely consider it cheating if I do anything like that outside of the relationship. I’m upset that he won’t even have a conversation about incorporating some of these activities into our sex life. What should I do?

You’re not the first couple to struggle with adding something new.  Changing things in the bedroom can be one of the most exciting and potentially threatening aspects in a relationship depending on your perspective. Whether you’re discussing inclusion of new people or activities, these topics often bring up feelings of doubt, insecurity, or fear that can be destructive to the bond you have created.

It’s not unusual for both of you to have concerns. Often, it’s healthy to have relationships evolve in a variety of ways over time. Hopefully we continue to find aspects that excite us, but any type of change can be challenging. That goes double if you’re discussing other types of intimate contact like additional partners, flogging, bondage, butt play, or another of the wide variety of other kinky types of fun. It’s incredibly important to keep talking.

The most important part of this exploration is open and honest communication, both with your current partner and anyone else you would play with. Although being truthful can bring up uncomfortable feelings, push through this difficulty. Discuss what types of activities you want to add. Talk about what thrills and worries you about pursuing something new. Chat about what these issues bring up emotionally.

Every relationship has its own set of expectations, strengths, and challenges. Adding new elements such as the desire to break outside of a “vanilla” sex life to explore a variety of other flavor combinations can be a huge hazard to the stability of a relationship. It may be uncomfortable to bring up strong feelings, but take the time to openly discuss desires and apprehensions.  Sometimes people may have perspectives that are tied to a belief system that tells us what is acceptable, appropriate, and moral.  There may also be a fair amount of judgement that can happen when discussing activities perceived as weird, abusive, or far outside “normal” activities. You have to admit that <some> kink can appear pretty extreme to some. You may want to take a step back and realize that it may take some time for your partner to process this newly gained information from you.

Gaining the assistance of a professional counselor with experience working with couples in exploring and negotiating these types of relationship dynamics can be extremely helpful. They can support both people to ensure their concerns are being addressed and offer perspectives that are not impacted by personal feelings within the relationship. These discussions may just be the beginning of a longer process. Working together as a couple through difficult situations can strengthen your relationship and help to ensure that both of you are as comfortable with your lives together as possible. Choices in our lives can be just as modular as a shopping trip to Ikea. We can put together our household in whatever fashion we desire to create a fulfilling life.