Everyone wants to do a porn star, not marry him

Dear Cycle Sluts,
How do you tell someone that they are obnoxious?
Signed, “Has standards.”

Rolonda Flor: Honesty is always the best policy but you should chase it with a shot of Patron to make it go down easier!
Diane Tolickya: Try telling them this: “Listen, you spiteful little bitch, you’re obnoxious!” Then let me know if it works.
Zoey Diddim: Tell them with tact and decorum. Send a letter, a plant or rent a huge billboard.
Winnie Bego: Zoey, you ARE obnoxious! Whew, that was easy.
Juana Mann: I would never. I’m way too nice. I usually let one of my sisters do it. Thanks Winnie.
Bea Dazzle: Gurl, if you had standards, you wouldn’t be hanging out with the likes of Zoey!
Sharon MaGoodies: Do it like most people do in the 2011’s, just update your Facebook status.
Marion McKuzins: You do it carefully. I was told I was obnoxious once. That person now has a size 12 go-go boot in their ass.
Sassy Squatch: Oh Poodle, I’m sure you get told you’re obnoxious all the time. Just use the same tactic that finally got the message through your noggin. Wait…you do know you’re obnoxious, right?!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
When I was young I did a few porn films. I used a different name and I have physically changed. I’m getting married in the spring and my man doesn’t know about this. I fear some of my friends will spill the beans. What do I do?
Signed, “Pre-marriage material boy.”

Winnie: Oh, hey Christopher. Just show him the DVD.
Zoey: Offer to throw his stag party and show your old work. You can be the one to pop out of the cake and he’ll get his cake and can eat you too.
Rolonda: Deny, deny, deny! Besides you’ve had gender reassignment surgery and if you still resemble the old you I can see a malpractice suit in your future.
Sharon: Chances are if he has the Internet he’s already seen them. By the way, I loved the one that you did where you pretended to be a “straight” guy!
Juana: Just tell him they were training films for young gay men. Then play out a few scenes.
Diane: If you’re not 100 percent honest, you’ll end up with a Kardashian marriage.
Marion: Don’t worry about your friends, Darlin’. Worry about me. I just sent your man a wedding gift. Does the title, The Deep Dark Depths of Derrick ring-a-bell?
Bea: Doll, I did a few “films” when I was younger too. I show them 24/7 at my house, the bars, church and PSU. Don’t be ashamed of your talent – only a few thousand can say they did Chad Knight.
Sassy: This is such a sad double standard. Everyone wants to do a porn star, but nobody wants to marry one! You’re not damaged goods, unless you did fisting films.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
On a dare I once put a cue ball up my ass. The word has now gotten out and I am getting called names. How do I stop this?
Signed, “Eight ball in the back pocket!”

Marion: If you really put an eight-ball up there you won’t have to worry about getting called names, except maybe “Daisy Pusher.”
Juana: Do it again, film it and put it online. You’ll be the next great Internet star.
Zoey: That’s been done before. Impressive would be if you put the whole cue stick up your ass.
Winnie: Stick another up there. That’ll turn them all on.
Diane: Amateur! Let us know when you can shove all the balls up there, then we’ll be impressed.
Rolonda: That’s talent; don’t let anyone tell you different. I know a bar in the Philippines where you could make a fortune.
Bea: I have another eight (and I don’t mean balls) you can shove up your ass, remove, insert and repeat as necessary.
Sassy: Now I know why your nickname is “Scratch.” I always thought it was because you had crabs or swamp-ass. I’m putting you back on my “To Do” list.
Sharon: Next time you are playing truth or dare, I suggest truth and hope the question isn’t, “Have you ever put a cue ball in your ass?”