Effeminate Male, seeks to be butch

Dear Brent,

A guy I’ve been on a few dates with recently told me he isn’t into effeminate guys, but I’m his “exception.” I was offended; I never thought of myself as “effeminate” and thought I had average masculinity. When I expressed this to him, he just said I was being dramatic and that was proof that I’m more like a woman. I started asking some friends, and a couple of them agreed I have effeminate qualities. Now I feel my self-image is shattered. I’m not really attracted to effeminate men either. I feel like I need to throw out all my clothes, work out, and arrange for friends to slap me every time I sound too queeny. What should I do?

Do you remember the scene in In & Out when Kevin Cline’s character tried to butch it up? At the end of the day he had to be honest – accepting he was never going to be the epitome of a rugged country guy. We all develop our personal identities in many ways, like deciding what career path suites our interests, the friends we want and who we date.

As gay men, we are additionally challenged to figure out what clothes to wear, where to tear it up Saturday night, and how many times we use the word “girl” or “gurl” or “gurrrrl” throughout the day.

Our culture has many concepts that hurt people as they develop identities. As kids we may have been told to “man up” or that “boys don’t cry.” We refer to anxiety or weakness using slang terms for women’s genitals. When we grow up and come out, we get hooked on phrases like “butch” and “straight-acting.” Words truly do have power, to either form beautiful images or destroy self-esteem.

I’m challenging myself to think what defines “masculine” and “feminine” and I wonder what your friends consider “effeminate” in you. Is it acting “like a woman” to tear up during a touching part of a movie? I’m more concerned about a “masculine” person who feels like he or she can’t cry.

Unfortunately, some of these judgmental, antiquated attitudes can increase feelings of depression, isolation and discrimination. As far as acting like a woman goes, my Mom is one and I think she kicks ass.

You mentioned wanting to change your outward appearance by getting your body toned and dressing “butch.” Keep in mind that just because a guy has bulging biceps, a leather vest, and rides a motorcycle doesn’t mean that he can’t queen out and talk about fashion, candle-making or recipes for meatloaf. Your outward appearance is simply one part of you – hopefully not the most important or impressive part of who you are. If it is, take some time and figure out what you really like about yourself.

If your personal style is impacted by who you date, be prepared to knock down a few walls in your home to build extra closet space. Build sections for cowboy, club, leather, twink, and opera drag – not to mention piles of shoes and boots – just to cover your bases in case a cute guy from any of these scenes catches your eye. That’s what life is about: fitting in. Hopefully you’re picking up on the sarcasm.

Be wary of changing for anyone other than yourself. If your self-esteem is going to be based on other’s impressions of you, then you are in for a tough life of searching for ways to please everyone.

Be less worried about piercing the toast and more concerned about what flavor of jelly you really enjoy, not which one that your buddies tell you to smear. It truly doesn’t matter if you define yourself as butch, fem, queeny, or rugged. The most important thing is that you like and appreciate yourself.

Most of these qualities are completely subjective. To paraphrase one of my dearest friends, “I don’t care how ‘straight-acting’ you say you are, you still look pretty gay when you’re on your knees sucking my cock.” You go, gurrrrl!