Don’t yuck my yummy open relationship

I get a surprising amount of criticism about my open relationship. I’ve been with my partner for many years, and our agreement about how we spend our time sexually with each other and other people works for us. Most of the time, disapproving comments are unsolicited, bubbling out in person or online.

The comments give me a sense of a lot of judgment toward me and my relationship, and toward others who are open.  Why do people feel the need to duplicate their own relationship values on mine?

Much like opponents of same-sex marriage, there are those with a strong personal sense of right and wrong when it comes to what relationships should look like. But one gay couple’s open relationship has as little potential negative impact on the quality of overall gay relationships as gay marriage would have on heterosexual marriages — some people really feel a need to express their beliefs, but at the end of the day the value of a relationship that it is fulfilling to the people who are involved. There’s no single way to create a happy partnership — the dynamics are as unique to everyone as fingerprints.

How you spend your time alone, with your partner, or with other people should be based on what you feel supports your physical, emotional and sexual well being.  Compare it to vacations: some like to visit remote places for backpacking across a mountain pass, or lay on a quiet beach in a hammock reading a book with no one else around. Other people love road trips to huge festivals, where they can find sweaty men grinding on them or make out with overgrown muscle studs. No single option is better than the other, but it does matter who our companions are in these adventures.

There are fantastic open relationships and fantastic monogamous ones. Thankfully, the quality and long-term success of relationships appears to be independent of their basic structure, with more do with the people involved and how well each sticks to expectations or deals with difficult situations. Partner selection and effective, positive communication are ultimately the most important aspects.

That said, I can feel sympathy toward anyone feeling what we might all feel when we think we can’t find what we’re looking for. For a single person searching for a monogamous relationship, coming across those looking for an open relationship or who are already in one and seeking an extra-curricular connection might stir up a feeling that open relationships are narrowing the dating pool.

Sexual contact does not necessarily equal love, but nor does looking for extra-curricular sexual activities necessarily mean you aren’t looking for a meaningful connection. Connection and intimacy can come in a variety of forms — over common interests, shared beliefs, great conversations or, yes, mind-blowing orgasms.

The only limitations we put on our relationships should come from us and our partners, and no one style of relationship is any more or less valid or beautiful than another. As a matter of courtesy, be careful about using your voice to pass judgment on other peoples’ situations — and speak from the heart about what’s right for you. ′

Brent Heinze, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor. Get more HeinzeSight online at ofcnow.co/brent or send him a question for his column at PerspectiveShift@yahoo.com.